


A Hard Day's Fight

by Alexis_Rockford, Cassandra_Elise



Series: Fab Four Fiascoes [1]
Category: A Hard Day's Night (1964), Luke Cage (TV), Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Attempt at Humor, Avengers Family, Black Markets, Canon Divergence - Post-Avengers (2012), Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Gen, Innuendo, Minor Steve Rogers/Natasha Romanov, Missions Gone Wrong, Parody, SHIELD, Spider-Man: Far From Home (Movie) Spoilers, Trickster Loki (Marvel)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-08-06
Packaged: 2020-01-07 02:20:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 25,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18401171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexis_Rockford/pseuds/Alexis_Rockford, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cassandra_Elise/pseuds/Cassandra_Elise
Summary: You know them. You love them. The Fab Four. No, not THAT Fab Four. Stark, Thor, Cap and Banner: The Avengers.When Nat picks up a hot tip that the newly opened Hammer Industries Expo is a front for black market weapon sales, she and Barton join the likely lads on a mission to infiltrate and break it up. There’s only one problem: subtlety never was the Avengers’ specialty. Oh, and Thor’s been saddled with custody of his mischievous brother Loki for the day. Yes, this is a parody ofA Hard Day’s Night.No, you may not ask.Epilogue: Loki finally joins the team and plots his next adventure with Banner and Thor!This fic is complete!





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This parody is based on a combination of the original script of _A Hard Day's Night_ and the adlibs that ended up in the movie. We've also added extra lines just for fun. So if any of it seems unfamiliar to the Beatles fans reading this fic, that's why. Some of the lines have been given to other characters as well, mostly Clint and Natasha since they are only supporting roles in the movie (Norm and Shake respectively). After all, a word-for-word rewrite would be boring and wouldn't necessarily fit the style of the Avengers. All right Beatlemaniacs and True Believers. Read on!

They were going to miss the train. There was just no way around it. Agent Romanoff sighed heavily and looked at the dial on her high-tech SHIELD-issue watch for what seemed like the billionth time that day.

“They’ll be here,” said the low, calm voice of her best friend.

She turned to look at him. His sandy hair was tousled carelessly about his sharply chiseled features, and his grey eyes peeked out over dark sunglasses, fixed on a seemingly random point down the street.

“What?” she said, but he placed his finger to his lips and continued to stare.

She focused in the direction he was facing and saw three men in street clothes rounding a corner, their feet pounding the pavement at a thunderous pace. Behind them streamed a volley of rabid-looking fans, holding out pens and notebooks.

“Oh, for the love of-” Nat began.

“Thor?” Barton offered snarkily. She rolled her eyes in response.

“‘Scuse me, coming through,” came the voice of the shortest of the three, a man bedecked in a finely tailored suit jacket worn over a Metallica t-shirt. He clumsily pushed past Natasha and Clint, scanning his pass at the turnstile to enter the train station.

Directly behind him was an irate-looking much taller man with strawberry blond hair. “Really, Stark?” He muttered as he gestured for the two SHIELD agents to step aside so he could enter the station without knocking them over. Natasha caught a delicious whiff of his new leather jacket as he brushed by her.

A third man tripped over his own feet as he approached the turnstile. He growled deep in his throat as he picked himself back up. Natasha opened her mouth to speak, but he cut her off. “If you say anything about the sun getting real low…”

She raised her hands in surrender. “A pleasure as always, Dr. Banner,” she quipped wryly.

Barton frowned as the crowd of crazies drew closer. “Speaking of Thor,” he whispered, “where is everyone’s favourite Asgardian demigod?”

Somewhere in the middle of the throng, a tall bespectacled man with ginger hair and a full beard walked arm in arm with a brunette woman in a cute sundress. “You look ravishing, Brother,” he whispered to the girl at his side.

“It will hurt no less when I kill you,” the woman barked back in a decidedly unfeminine voice and pulled away.

“You know, Sif,” the man replied, rolling up the sleeves of the sky-blue jumper that just matched the shade of his twinkling eyes, “I feel as though we’ve had this conversation before.”

“We definitely will not be having it again,” the one he called Sif replied as she grabbed a hold of his ear and began dragging him toward the turnstile.

“Ow,” the man muttered as they approached Agents Romanoff and Barton.

“I’m sorry,” Barton began, putting a hand on the woman’s shoulder, “but this is a reserved train.”

A green shimmer of light transformed the muscular woman into an even more muscular man. “‘Tis I, Thor Odinson.”

Clint jumped back in startled surprise and reflexively reached for his bow, which, of course, wasn’t there. “Who’s the tall, bearded man?” he asked suspiciously, eyeing the scraggly ginger in the worn jumper.

Natasha sighed. “That’s Loki, can’t you tell?”

Clint looked at his partner and then back at the stranger. “Nah, I don’t see it.”

“The males never do,” the tall man said with a grin.

A second green ripple revealed that the man was indeed the god of mischief. Neither of the SHIELD agents were surprised to note that manacles had appeared on his wrists as well.

“He’s been whining about being in that Asgardian dungeon for so long,” Thor explained. “Mother thought a change of pace would do him good.”

Loki looked at the two of them with big, sad, innocent eyes.

“Not buying it,” Barton mumbled, crossing her arms. “You ain’t getting in this head again. Uh uh. No way.”

Just then, a loud whistle blew. “Unfortunately, we don’t have a choice,” Nat pointed out. “Our train is about to leave.”

The four of them gazed at each other in awkward silence. Finally, Barton aimed two fingers at his shades and then turned them back on Loki. “I’ve got my eye on you.”

“I should hope so,” he said coyly.

Natasha and Clint exchanged glances before gathering up the remains of their luggage and boarding the train, with the two Asgardians following close behind.

Loki transformed himself again into the jumper-wearing ginger. “This is turning out to be quite the adventure,” he announced with glee as his brother nudged him onto the departing vehicle.

“It better not,” Thor retorted darkly. 


	2. Who's The Tall, Bearded Man?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No one can recognise Loki, and Brock Rumlow makes Banner angry.

Tony was sprawled out, man-spreading across two of the comfy chairs in the private train compartment. Cap sat next to him, stiff, erect, and aloof, trying his hardest to ignore Stark’s lack of regard for personal boundaries. Banner was close to the sliding door, ready to bolt at a moment’s notice.

Thor burst angrily into the compartment, a tall, bespectacled, and bearded redhead trailing behind him. The man was grinning from ear to ear. Banner nudged Steve, who elbowed Stark. They all stared agape as Thor and the stranger seated themselves opposite them. The ginger grinned and winked at Thor, but the god of thunder merely sniffed and glared out of the window.

Stark, ever the curious one, broke the silence first. “Eh...pardon me for asking, but who’s the tall, bearded man?”

Thor feigned a look of confusion. “What tall, bearded man? You mean me?”

Stark rolled his eyes as he pointed at the obvious intruder. “That tall, bearded man.”

Thor threw a disdainful glance at his companion. “Oh, that one. He’s my brother.”

Bruce, Steve, and Tony blinked in unison. “Have you lost it? That’s not your brother,” Cap argued.

Thor seethed. “It is, I’ll have you know!”

Steve continued, “We’ve all seen Loki. He doesn’t look like that.”

Thor glared once more at the still-grinning stranger. “Loki, would you kindly remove your disguise?!?”

“Well, since you asked so nicely,” quipped the man, as his bearded profile slowly transmogrified into the god of mischief’s normal visage.

Thor’s three Avenger comrades exchanged suspicious glances. “What’s he doing here?” Stark demanded.

Thor hung his head embarrassedly. “My mother thought the trip would do him good.”

Banner pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “Um, why?”

“Because I’m booored,” whined Loki in a sing-song voice.

“Poor baby,” snarked Tony, eyeing Loki’s manacles.  
  
Loki used some of his magic to make the handcuffs turn invisible, but it was clear from the way his hands lay in his lap that he was still bound, even if no one could see it.

“Well, taking a known criminal on a top-secret mission shows a total lack of respect for protocol,” Cap chastised.

“Especially when he’s been known to cause untold chaos and destruction,” added Stark.

“He’ll behave, you have my word,” Thor proclaimed. “He may even be able to help us. He has his talents.”

“Like what?” Steve crossed his arms over his brawny chest, clearly not convinced.

Thor thought long and hard. “He’s very...charming, you know?”

Loki smiled disarmingly at Banner, making him squirm. “Hello, Bruce.”

“Hello,” Bruce returned shortly.

“Oh yeah, I see the charm,” Steve sarcastically drawled.

“He’s got more charm than you or Thor, that’s for sure,” Tony pointed out.  
  
Banner started to laugh but stopped short when he saw Cap and Thor’s angry expressions.

“My brother’s given you the simple truth,” Loki said. “I’m cursed with irresistible charm. I’m too attractive to be let loose.”

Steve got down to business. “So on top of our mission, we're stuck looking after him?

Loki simpered. “I’ll look after myself.”  
  
Thor’s glower moved from Bruce to his brother. “Aye, that's what I'm afraid of! He's a villain and a king mixer as well.”

“That’s for sure!” Steve shook his head.

Natasha pulled open the door of the compartment. “You got on the train all right then?” she asked.

“No,” Tony deadpanned. “Actually, we’re still back at the station.”

Agent Romanoff rolled her eyes at his unnecessary sarcasm.

“Hi, Natasha.” Steve sounded almost shy, his voice barely above a whisper.

Stark leaned over to him and began making exaggerated kissing noises. Loki snickered.

“Oh, grow up,” Steve mumbled, his face reddening to the shade of a ripe tomato.

Natasha wisely ignored the entire exchange. “Well, we made it. Clint’ll be along in a moment with the tickets.” She noticed Loki sitting next to Thor and shook her head. “You’re still here?”

“Can’t get enough of me, can you?” Loki grinned, displaying all of his perfectly straight teeth.

“At least he’s charming,” Stark quipped.

“Puh-lease.” Nat made a face. “I haven’t forgotten what you said to me in the holding cell of the Helicarrier.”

“Oh, but I have,” Loki purred. “Would you care to remind me?”

Natasha looked as though she would very much like to take a swing at him, when Barton appeared behind her. “Good morning, everyone!” he called cheerily.

“Morning, Clint,” they all murmured. Natasha kept a wary eye on Loki as she seated herself between Tony and the window.

Clint surveyed the motley crew as he began to hand out the tickets. “Well, thank God you're all here. We have a lot of work cut out for us with the escape of Justin Hammer from prison.”

“That rat bastard couldn’t do a thing right in his life, but somehow he managed to escape prison?” Stark wondered.

“What’s our cover?” Cap, always one for the mission, wanted to know.

“He likes hookers,” Tony supplied. “We could always dress drag and…”

Clint interrupted him, “Now, listen, I've had this marvellous idea ...now just for a change, let's all behave like ordinary responsible citizens. Let's not cause any trouble, pull any strokes or do anything I'm going to be sorry for, especially tomorrow when we reach the Expo Center because…” He glared sharply at Tony who had put in earbuds and was blaring AC/DC loud enough for everyone to hear.  
  
“Are you listening to me, Stark?” Hawkeye demanded.

“Well, of course not,” Stark retorted. “I couldn’t listen to you _and_ ‘Highway to Hell,’ at the same time, could I?”

“Yeah, how silly of you, Barton,” Cap snarked.

Clint looked like he wanted to say more, but he suddenly noticed that Loki was sitting complacently in the private car, as if he was another member of the Avengers. “Why is he still here?”

“Because murder is illegal,” sniped Natasha.

Banner shrugged apologetically. “He belongs to Thor. We can’t touch him.”

Hawkeye sighed resignedly. “Ah well, there you go. Look, I'm going down the diner for a cup of coffee. Are you coming?”

“We'll follow you down in a moment,” said Cap. “We have something we need to discuss first.” He flashed a meaningful look at his companions.

Natasha nodded imperceptibly as she stood and turned to the god of mischief. “Loki, don’t you want some coffee?”

“No,” Loki said sullenly, arms crossed defiantly across his chest.

Catching on, Hawkeye added, “He can come with Nat and me, if you like.”

Thor shifted uneasily in his chair. “Well, look after him. I don't want to find you've lost him.”

“I'll bind him to me with promises of fame and glory.” Barton turned to Loki. “Come on, trickster.”

Natasha pushed Loki forward. Grinning cheekily, he swiveled around to tease Agent Romanoff. “You just can’t wait to get me alone, can you?”

Barton talked over Loki’s head to Nat. “He's very charming, isn't he?”

“Oh yeah, I’m swooning,” Natasha grumbled as she wrangled his tall frame out the door.

As the two agents tried to leave with the god of mischief, Agent Brock Rumlow came around the corner of the train’s corridor and bumped into them all. “Out of my way, Avengers,” he barked, elbowing his way through the trio and slumping into the seat formerly occupied by Loki.  
  
Thor, Cap, Stark, and Hulk exchanged looks as if to say, "What the hell?"

Brock surveyed the crew of them for a moment before his eyes strayed to the open compartment window. Frowning, he leaned over and shut it with a loud bang.

Thor looked at the newcomer pleadingly. “Do you mind if we have it opened?” he asked in a much politer voice than he usually used.

“Yes, I do,” he insisted. “It’s allergy season.”

Tony rolled his eyes all the way up into his head as he was wont to do when the situation called for it. “Yeah, but there are four of us, and we'd like it open, if it's all the same to you, that is.” He batted his eyelashes at the seasoned agent.

“Well, it isn't,” Rumlow said stubbornly. “I’ve been a part of SHIELD for much longer than you lot, and you’re already acting like you own the place. I’m a valuable commodity as well, so I suppose I've some rights.”

“So have we,” Banner replied quietly, but his heart wasn’t in it.

“Look,” Cap began diplomatically, “there are some important matters that we need to discuss, and we’d rather not do it with-”

“I have a higher security clearance than the four of you combined,” Brock pointed out. “Anything You have to say can be said in front of me.”

“Yes, but this isn’t mission related,” argued Thor, frustration building in his voice.

“Uh, oh, Thunder’s gonna blow,” muttered Tony.

“That’s a bit of a mixed metaphor,” Steve protested.

Tony made a big “W” out of his thumbs and pointer fingers.

“I have no idea what that means,” whined Cap in annoyance. “Can’t you use plain English?”

“‘Pip, pip, cheerio, and all that rot,’” Stark recited in an unconvincing British accent.

“Oh, will the both of you just shut the hell up?!” boomed Brock in irritation. He disappeared behind the screen of his tablet before the mighty Avengers could say another word.

Cap exchanged looks with Tony, as if to say, “How do we get rid of him?”

Tony made a face at the oblivious Rumlow and blasted his smartphone at full volume. Rammstein came through the phone’s speakers.

Rumlow grabbed the phone out of his hand, paused the song, and chucked it at the floor. “And we'll have that thing off as well, thanks.”

Tony stared dolefully where his poor abused phone lay on the floor. “If you broke it, you’re buying me a new one.”

Brock simpered frostily. “As a senior ranking member of SHIELD, I’m perfectly within my rights.”  
  
Thor’s long hair bristled with electricity. “Yeah, but we want to hear it, and there's more of us than you. We're a community, like a majority vote. Up the workers and all that stuff!”

Bruce surveyed him cagily. “Where are you getting all this stuff?”

Brock was not done being the biggest ass. “Then I suggest you take that damned thing into the corridor or some other part of the train where you obviously belong.”

Tony gingerly lifted his phone off the ground and examined it for cracks. “Knock it off, Thor. You can't win with his sort. After all, it's his train, isn't it, Rumlow?”

“Shut up, Stark!” snapped Brock.

Steve bolted upright and stood menacingly over Rumlow’s prone frame. “I’d be very careful with my next move.” His voice was chillier than the ice he had been frozen in.

Brock at least had the decency to squirm. “I'll call the guard!” he threatened weakly.

“Aye ... but what? They don't take kindly to insults, you know.” Thor stood, clutching his hammer. “Ah, come along, friends. Let us get a cup of coffee and leave this man to his small victory. He obviously gets very few pleasures in life.”

The foursome trooped out of the door into the corridor, Brock smiling triumphantly. He was about to settle down to his paper when there was a tap on the corridor window. He glanced up to spot Banner staring at him in a cold rage. “You made me angry,” Banner shouted through the glass partition, “and people don’t like me when I’m angry.”  
  
Brock jumped to his feet in a panic. Banner turned away, barely containing his laughter.


	3. Oh, Thor, You Can't Have Your Way With Me!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki stirs the pot, and Thor tries to pick up dates for Steve and Bruce.

In the diner car, our four heroes were met with a terrible sight. Clint and Natasha were seated on opposite sides of a booth, looking very cross. Loki, who sat beside Barton nursing a cup of coffee, seemed entirely too pleased with himself.

“Oh, no!” breathed Thor, slapping himself on the forehead.

“Yeah, you better watch it,” Hawkeye was saying, pointing an accusatory finger at Black Widow.

Natasha sighed. “It's not my fault.”

“Well, you stick to that story, Nat.”

“I can't help it. I'm just a better spy than you.”

Loki leaned over and whispered into Clint’s ear. “They always say that.”

Thor glared at his brother. “What lies are you telling him now?” Loki merely shrugged.

“Yeah, well I got my eye on you,” Barton sputtered lamely.

Natasha shook her head. “I'm sorry, Clint, but I can't help being better at subterfuge than you. I was trained by the KGB, for God’s sake.”

“Well, you don't have to rub it in,” Barton grumbled, balling his hand into a fist. “I've a good mind to…”

“If you're going to have a barney, I'll hold your coats,” Tony interrupted holding out his arms for the aforementioned articles of clothing. The twinkle in his brown eyes indicated that he was rather enjoying this little show.

“She started it,” Hawkeye whined.

“No, I didn't. You did…” Nat retorted defensively.

Cap, ever the peacemaker, decided to intervene before things escalated even further. “Well, what happened?”

“That trickster wanted to go all the way to the back of the train to check out the caboose. Clint said there was no point in us both going; that he’d escort him. I told him it wasn’t a good idea and that I’d take him.”

“And?” Thor raised an eyebrow.

“Your brother pointed out Nat was a much better spy than I am and is always showing off,” Clint spat bitterly.

Thor crossed his arms and glared at Loki. “I knew it. _He_ started it. I should have known.”

Barton blinked rapidly and then rubbed his eyes as though he were awakening from a rather troubling dream. “I let him get into my head again, didn’t I?”

Thor nodded sadly. “You two have never had a quarrel in your life, and in two minutes flat, he's got you at it. He's a king mixer. Adam and Eve, meet the serpent. Antony and Cleopatra, there's your asp. Have we learned nothing from his recent attempt to rule over Midgard? _Divide and Conquer_ , that's this one's motto. He hates group unity so he gets everyone at it.”

Tony, Steve, and Bruce looked at each other in dismay.

“Aye,” Thor continued. “Only this time we’re watching him do it to someone else.”

“What should we do with him then?” Nat asked wryly, eyeing the god of mischief with suspicion. Loki merely smiled benignly back.

Steve sighed and rubbed a hand across his chiseled jaw. “I suggest that you absolutely do not give him what he wants. He’s probably up to no good.”

Barton shrugged. “Okay by me.” He elbowed Loki in the ribs. “No caboose for you, devilspawn.”

Loki’s thin bottom lip protruded in a noticeable pout. “If I am to remain with babysitters this entire trip, can I at least have my shackles removed?” He raised his arms to show off the handcuffs still clasped around his wrists.

Thor narrowed his eyes, but upon seeing his brother’s piteous expression, he relented. He unlocked them and hooked them onto his hefty belt. “I’m keeping these around just in case, so no funny business.”

Loki nodded his head eagerly like a schoolboy trying to impress his teacher. “Whence could I escape anyway, brother? We are trapped in this iron carriage for now, are we not?”

Thor remained unconvinced, but he decided to give his brother the benefit of the doubt for the time being. “I suppose,” he reluctantly agreed.

Tony rubbed his hands together. “Right. Now where’s that coffee? I need caffeine. STAT.”

As the remaining Avengers turned to order coffee, Loki called out, “I think it's only fair to warn you about my brother...don't let Thor have his own way all the time, because if you do, he won't respect you!”

Clint, Tony, and Bruce cackled at the double entendre. Clint coyly crooned, “Oh, Thor, you can't have your own way with me!”

Tony took it a step further. In his best female voice, he asked, “If I let you have your own way, you little rascal, will you respect me?”

Purple with rage, Thor choked out, “I'll murder you, Loki!”

As Tony started waltzing with Thor, Steve laid a heavy arm on the “couple.” “Guys, there are other agents in this car with us!” He nodded to two attractive young SHIELD recruits, sipping coffee and glancing askance at the scene before them.

Thor smoothed his breastplate, as if it could possibly be wrinkled. “Feast your eyes on these fine specimens of Midgardian femininity.”  
  
Tony grinned knowingly at the tall Asgardian. “Well, introduce yourself.”

Thor seemed dubious. “Shall I?”

Banner shifted from foot to foot. “Aren’t you seeing someone right now?”

Tony waved a hand dismissively. “There is seeing someone, and then there is _seeing someone_.”

Steve frowned, a little line forming in his forehead. “Now what's that supposed to mean?”

“Dr. Banner, you are right. I shall ask them out for you and Rogers,” said Thor gamely. Tony tossed him his trademark shades, and Thor slipped them on. He leaned against the table of the two ladies and spoke in a posher than normal accent, “Excuse me, but these fine men I'm working with wondered if two of us could join you? I'd ask you myself, only I'm shy.” He hid his face in mock humility as the the two girls giggled.

Loki suddenly appeared from out of nowhere sporting a mustache and a standard SHIELD uniform. “I'm sorry, miss, but you mustn't fraternise with the prisoners,” he spoke in an American accent that eerily sounded like Cap’s.

Natasha and Clint looked at the space that Loki formerly occupied. “Aw, man,” groaned Barton, “we forgot about his teleportation tricks.”

Loki was continuing to spin his yarn. “Convicts in transit. Typical villains, the lot of 'em.”

“Excuse me?!?” barked Steve.

Loki whipped around and spat out at Steve, “Quiet, or I'll give you a taste of my taser.” He pointed a long finger at Banner. “That one's the worst. If we don't keep him on tablets he has fits.”

“Now, look here!!” Banner tried to protest, but Loki surreptitiously snatched two lumps of sugar from the table and forced them into Bruce’s mouth.

As Banner sputtered around the sugar cubes, Loki yelled, “Get out while you can, ladies! He’s about due for one of his episodes.”

The frightened girls scurried out of the restaurant car. Banner spat out the sugar cubes and started a Yoga chant to calm his racing heart. The Avengers looked in horror at Loki, completely flabbergasted. His disguise melting away in a shimmer of green light, Loki smiled innocently at them.


	4. Put it This Way, He’s Mislaid Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clint and Nat get bamboozled, and Loki gets engaged.

After several minutes of chaos, the Avengers rallied together and managed to actually discuss their mission without interruption. (This was accomplished by having Natasha and Clint take turns babysitting Loki while the other explained the operation to the remaining heroes). Now the team was split up again. They had each agreed to take shifts on watching Loki. The threat of the handcuffs looming over his head, Loki had, for the moment, acquiesced. Natasha and Clint now stood outside the caboose door, waiting for Loki to return from whatever the Hel he was doing.

Clint studied his SHIELD-issued watch, slightly worried. “He's been gone a long time.”

Nat didn’t look up from her notes on the assignment. “Who?” she asked disinterestedly.

“Thor’s brother.”

Agent Romanoff roused herself as if from a dream. “Oh, I didn't notice it had been that long.” She peeped into the train car and saw Loki sitting complacently at a window seat. “We’ll give a couple of more minutes, and if he doesn’t move …” She resumed reading, but Clint went on worrying.

And rightly so. For the Loki in the caboose was one of his shadow clones. Loki had transported himself out of the back train car ages ago and was now in full flight of conversation with a charming, albeit dim, SHIELD operative named Audrey.

“Yes, I'm the newest Avenger,” Loki proudly told her.

“Are you really?” Audrey bit her lip and scrunched her face up in confusion. “I thought you tried to destroy New York?”

“Now, Audrey, that was all a misunderstanding. I was trying to stop the Chitauri by using the Mind and Space Stones, but the Avengers took it the wrong way. Can you blame them? They really are novices when it comes to spy work...unlike you.”

“Of course, Loki.”

“Yes, they were determined to destroy me at first, but I quickly explained the truth of the situation. When they realised their mistake, they begged me to join their team.” Loki’s face darkened. “All except that little scientist, Banner. His alter-ego is a real savage. He picked me up like a brick and tossed me to and fro. Bam! Bam! BAM! But I soon quelled him with one fierce flash of my eyes.”

“How brave of you!”

“Yes, I’m a part of the team now.” Loki glanced around quickly then leaned in to whisper. “In fact, we’re on a top secret mission.”

Audrey’s eyes lit up, and it was if she was seeing the god of mischief from an entirely new angle. “How fascinating. Do go on…” she paused, placing a hand on Loki’s knee “...Lord Loki.”

Loki grinned seductively. “As you wish…”

Meanwhile, Agents Barton and Romanoff had realized their mistake. “Son of a bitch, it’s a clone!” muttered Clint.

Natasha sighed in resignation. “We’ve got to tell the others.”

They dashed off to the diner car where the other Avengers were finishing their coffee. Clint coughed nervously before asking, “Eh, have any of you got Thor's brother?”

Stark patted down his dress coat and Metallica shirt. “Of course, he's concealed upon my person.”

Barton swallowed hard. “No... he must have slipped off somewhere.”  
  
Thor seemed to have gained two feet in height. “Have you lost him?!?”

Clint actually felt afraid for his life. “Don't exaggerate,” he managed to get out around the lump in his throat, which he was sure was his heart.

“You've lost him!” Thor raged.

“Put it this way, he's mislaid him.” Natasha was usually adept at calming down the angry, but this time she missed her mark.

“Honest, I can't trust you with anything, Barton,” Thor spat. He raised his fist menacingly. “If you've lost him, I'll cripple you.”

Natasha tried her soothing again, placing a gentle hand on Thor’s extended arm. “He can't be far.”

“I hope he fell off,” Tony muttered darkly.

“Don't be callous,” Steve chided, but he was unsuccessfully hiding a smirk.

As Natasha and Barton tried to stop an Asgardian from starting World War III, Banner whispered to Steve and Tony, “Loki doesn't like me, honest, I can tell...The other guy must’ve done something to him.”

Tony thought of the thousands of dollars of damage Loki and the Hulk had inflicted on his beloved tower. “Ya think?”

Steve patted Bruce awkwardly on the shoulder. “Don’t let it get to you. You've got an inferiority complex.”

“Yeah, I know, that's why I took up nuclear physics. It's my active compensatory factor.”

Steve blinked. “I have NO idea what that means.”

Tony clapped his hands together. “Okay, team, listen up. We’re splitting up, searching the whole train...Point Break, you’re with me.”

Thor and Stark ran down the corridor, opening every compartment they came to. Natasha and Barton went in the opposite direction, which left Cap and Dr. Banner together. Bruce half-heartedly began opening doors of compartments. “Here, Loki, Loki, Loki.”

“He’s not a dog,” Steve said. Then he paused to consider. “Though he could probably turn into one.”

“Speaking of….” Bruce nodded at the most recent compartment he had opened: A cute scientist was cooing in soft tones to a small lap dog locked in a cage. She looked up, startled at the intrusion.

“Doctor Banner, Captain Rogers, what an honor,” she stammered.

“Has this dog been in here the whole time? He didn’t just magically appear?” Rogers demanded.

The scientist was bemused. “Ummm...no?”

“Thanks for your help.” Banner smiled at her, and she smiled back.

She then beckoned him to join her. Bruce looked around to see if she meant someone else. She shook her head a negative. Still not convinced, Banner pointed at himself as if to say, "Who, me?" The scientist beamed enthusiastically.

Rogers watched all this with absolute incredulity. “Are you going in?” he asked in tone that indicated Banner better not be.

Bruce didn’t even notice his comrade’s disapproval. “No, she'll only reject me in the end and I'll  
be frustrated. Just like Betty.”

Rogers softened at his companion’s confession. “You never know, you might be lucky this time.”

“No, I know the psychological pattern, and it plays hell with my alter ego.” He blew the scientist a kiss, then moved sadly on.

On another part of the train, Thor burst into a compartment followed by Stark. The two female agents from the restaurant car were in there.The girls jumped up, petrified at the sight of the “criminals.”

Thor ignores their skittishness. “Excuse me but have you seen that...uh...security guard we were with? He might appear differently now. Black hair. Wearing green?”

Seeing the girls were besides themselves with worry about the “prisoners,” Stark decided to ham it up. “We've broken out! Oh, the blessed freedom of it all!” He extended his hands as if manacled. “Hey, have you got a nail file? These handcuffs are killing me! I was framed! I’m innocent, I tell you!”

Thor punched Tony rather hard in the shoulder. “Will you stop it? Sorry to disturb you, ladies…” He grabbed Stark by the cuff and dragged him toward the exit.

Tony continued his adlibs, much to the annoyance of the god of thunder. “I’m innocent! I was framed! I won't go back!” He cackled like a maniac before disappearing, the door closing after him.

Thor glared at his companion. “What is wrong with you, Midgardian?”

“My shrink has a whole book on that,” Stark saucily replied.

A series of amorous noises arose from one of the nearby compartments, which also had its blinds down.

Thor pointed with his hammer. “How about that one?”

Steve and Banner appeared around the bend in the train just as Thor made his move toward the new compartment. “Did you look in here?” he asked the two new arrivals.

Cap listened to the sounds coming out of the room and blushed. “No. I mean, it seems someone is engaging in some...umm...inappropriate work behavior.”

“I don’t care. Let's broaden our outlook.” Thor threw open the door of the compartment to reveal Loki and Audrey making out. “LOKI!”

Loki quickly scrambled off of the agent, momentarily perplexed. Then he regained his cool demeanor and grinned at the group. “Congratulate me, boys. I'm engaged.”

Thor stormed into the train room. “Oh no, you're not. You've gone too far this time …”

Audrey’s eyes flashed indignantly. “Don’t speak to my fiance that way.”

“I'm sorry, ma’am, but the betrothal is off.” Thor grabbed his brother’s arm. “I'll refuse my consent. He’s underage in Asgard.”

Audrey snatched Loki’s other thin arm and pulled back. “Leave him alone! After all he's done for you is this the way you repay him?”

Thor yanked harder at his brother’s arm. “Him? He's never done anything for anybody in his life.”

Audrey tugged back on her end. “You dare to say that when he single-handedly saved New York for you!”

Stark let out a bark of a laugh at her last comment. “Him? Save New York?” Noticing the physical and mental discomfort Loki was in, Tony egged Audrey on, “Come on, agent lady, you're winning. Give another strong pull.”

Steve glared at Tony. “What are you talking about? Thor has way more strength than a mortal woman. Get in there, Thor, and rip his arm off if you have to.”

Banner was not looking forward to any further fighting, so he tried to interfere. “Look, Miss, this is all a misunderstanding. You see, he's …”

Audrey gasped and clung to Loki for protection. “Keep away from me, you depraved man! I know all about your terrible past.”

“What?” Banner sputtered.

Audrey pulled out a SHIELD issue gun and aimed it at Banner.

“Hey now, there’s no need for violence,” Cap said, his hands in the air.

Thor took the moment of distraction to yank Loki out of Audrey’s grasp. As she turned to grab at him, Bruce snatched the gun out of her hand. “He's given me a bad reputation. He's got to be stopped. It's not fair.” Banner pushed out into the corridor, forgetting that he was holding the woman's gun.

Audrey started to shriek, “...stop, thief!”

Banner searched for a hiding place, but coming down the one hall was Rumlow with the two female agents from earlier. From the other hall he spotted Natasha and Barton bringing a security guard. Both groups were closing in on him.Thor tumbled out of the compartment with Loki in tow, Stark and Cap right behind him.

There was no escape. Bruce made a noise of despair, which caused every agent in the perimeter to place their hands on their weapons. Steve was surveying Bruce nervously. “You okay, Banner?”

Banner finally noticed the gun in his hand. “Oh Motherfu--!!


	5. Why Do You Do These Things?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki is back behind bars, but Banner still believes in him.

Loki sat on top of a stack of suitcases in the luggage compartment. Handcuffs firmly clapped on his wrists again and a locked crate of chickens at his feet, he looked absolutely miserable.

“And to think my own brother would have let them put me behind bars!” he spat bitterly. “Again.”

Thor shook his head from outside of the makeshift cell. “Don't dramatise.”

Loki poked the crate with his foot, deftly lifting the latch with his toes. A fluffy white hen waddled out and started pecking at his legs. He sighed heavily as though that was not the kind of reaction he had been looking for.

“Let's face it, you're lucky to be here,” Thor reminded him. “If SHIELD had had their way you'd have been dropped off already.”

“And if Father had had his way,” Loki retorted, nudging the hen with his soft leather boot, “I’d still be rotting in an Asgardian dungeon.” He turned away from his brother in an obvious pout.

“Well, you've got to admit you've upset a lot of people-both here _and_ in New York,” Thor reasoned.

“Ha! That’s putting it mildly.” Loki’s eyes gleamed with a perverse sort of pride at the his recent exploits.

“At least I can keep my eye on you while you're stuck in here with those magic-dampening manacles on,” Thor said sadly.

Loki quickly flashed into a second Thor and then switched back. “Thank the gods I can still transform myself.” He rattled the detested chains in annoyance. “Sending me on holiday with these killjoys. It’s as if my own mother didn’t trust me.”

Thor grabbed the bars and peered through the cell door. “Can you blame her? Wait, of course you can. You’re an expert at blaming other people for your mistakes.”

Loki cringed as though that last remark might have actually stung. “But what did I really do that was so terrible?

Thor leveled him with a Look.

“Today, I mean,” he quickly amended

“Well,” Thor cleared his throat, about to launch into a litany of his brother’s sins. “Banner is very upset, you know…”

“Perhaps he shouldn’t go smashing people then,” Loki returned smugly.

Thor ignored his pathetic attempt at garnering sympathy. “And as far as your ‘fiancee’ Audrey's concerned, she's finished with men for the rest of her natural life, and another thing: that bit with the ‘prisoners’…”

Loki cut him off. “A harmless spot of fun.”

“Oh, it's all right for you,” Thor argued, “but those two girls were scared to death!”

Loki waved a hand dismissively. “None of you ‘heroes’ have any sense of humour left these days.”

Thor took a deep cleansing breath, trying to rid himself of the desire to bash in his brother’s thick skull. “Honest, Loki, why? I mean, why do you do these things?”

“You summon lighting,” Loki pointed out.

Thor blinked. “Aye. What of it?”

Loki leaned toward him, pinning him with his icy blue-green glare. “Why?”

Thor was silent for a moment, trying to devise the proper response to this ridiculous question. “Well, don't be daft,” he finally said. “I’m the god of thunder. It’s my nature. Literally.” He grinned stupidly at his elemental pun.

“And _I_ am the god of mischief, Brother,” Loki stated with a wicked grin. “It’s _my_ nature.”

Thor smirked despite his every effort not to. After a moment of deliberation, he opened the door of the luggage compartment and joined his brother on a box. “Move over.”

“You move over. I was here first.”

A shoving match might have occurred if the guards' van door hadn’t slid open again to reveal Stark, Cap, and Banner.

Tony observed Thor sitting complacently in the makeshift jail. “Don't worry, Blondie, we'll get you the best lawyer my money can buy. No, really, it’s amazing what you can get away with when you’re rich.”

Cap rolled his eyes. “Oh, it's a laugh a line with Stark.”

“ _No_ idea what that means. You’re showing your age again, grandpa.” Tony said. “Anyway…this,” he turned to Bruce and gestured around him, “is all your fault.”

Banner was indignant. “Why me?”

“Gun-snatcher,” Steve reminded him.

“You almost Hulked out on us, little fellow,” Tony added, looking around the train compartment. “We had to lock up the trickster for your own protection...God, it's depressing in here, isn't it? Funny,” he patted the head of a wandering chicken, “they usually treat animals better than people in America, don't they? You'd expect something a little more palatial.” He shuddered as he slumped onto another crate. “Come on. Let's have a little action. Let's do something, then.”

Thor eyed the man of iron suspiciously. “Like what?”

When Tony seemed at a loss, Steve sighed and pulled out a pack of cards from his incredibly tight pants. “Five Card Stud?”

“I prefer Texas Hold ‘Em, but sure.” Tony found a box that was about table height and dragged it over so everyone could sit around it.

The motley crew enjoyed a few rounds of poker, despite the fact that Thor didn’t know what he was doing and Bruce had the Poker face of a five-month-old puppy. Loki understood the rules of the Midgardian game better than his brother and kept trying to offer pointers, only to be shushed. At the end of the game, Banner had accumulated quite the pot of pennies and dimes.

“All mine!” he crowed.

“It can’t buy your happiness,” Steve remarked, filled with sour grapes.

The train came to a screeching halt that sent all of the men toppling helter skelter, chickens squawking indignantly as the muscular heroes landed on them.

Clint flung open the door. “Don't move, any of you.”  
  
Tony pulled a hen out from under his rump. “Sure, I’ll just stay on this chicken.”

“They've gone mad out there. The whole place is surging with girls.”

Loki’s blue-green eyes glistened. “Please, can I have one to surge with?”

Barton gaped like a fish out of water before recovering. “No, you can’t.” Thor smacked Loki upside of the head as only brothers can do.

“Look, someone must have alerted social media that the Avengers are in town.” Barton was clearly not amused.

Tony looked up from his phone. “You’re welcome.”

“What part of ‘covert mission’ was lost on you?” Cap demanded. He gazed out the window and spotted a sign that read “Captain America, have my babies.” He promptly shut the blinds and addressed Barton, “So what do we do?”

“As soon as I tell you, run through this door here and into the big car that's waiting. Natasha’s already there.”

“Or we could address the mob as the loving celebrities that we are,” suggested Tony.

“Or we could follow Hawkeye’s plan,” argued Steve.

“Or…” Loki trailed off.

Everyone turned to stare at him. Tony crossed his arms. “That’s all you got, god of mischief? A simple _or_?”

Loki stared at his manacled hands nonchalantly. “Or I could use a cloaking spell to make you all invisible, but of course, you’d have to release me for that.”

“NO!” Thor boomed.

Bruce inhaled deeply. “As much as I hate to have this guy help us, I really don’t think I can handle being in crowds right now. Why don’t we let Loki do his thing and then immediately handcuff him again?”

No one particularly wanted to see Banner Hulk out, which is why they begrudgingly agreed to let Loki use his magic. Surprisingly, Loki cooperated. He made them all invisible, and even let Thor keep him in a vise-like grip as they wound their way through the train station undetected.

As soon as they got into the car, Loki released the invisibility spell and simpered. “See, my brother told you I was useful.”

“Useful, yes. But I’m still not sure you’re necessary,” Steve told him stoutly.

A glimmer of hurt passed over Loki’s face, but he rearranged his aquiline features into a look of insouciance. “Well, thank you, Bruce, for believing in me.”

Banner squirmed uncomfortably. “Um, sure, no problem.” He averted Loki’s gaze, but he could still feel the penetrating stare of the trickster god even has he examined his hands.


	6. Don't Mock The Afflicted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Banner gets a special assignment, and Loki takes his place.

That night, in their luxury hotel suite paid for by the U.S. government, Tony and Thor reclined on opposite ends of an enormous plush sofa, both attempting to watch a banal reality program on the television. Between them, Loki sat with his long legs arched over an ottoman, a book open in his lap. To all appearances, he was behaving himself for once. But anyone who was paying close enough attention would notice that he had been on the same page for twenty minutes. As his eyes scanned the words, his ears were perked for any possible new opportunity for mischief.

Cap and Bruce entered the living area from the bedroom they were sharing. “I can’t turn into the other guy in my sleep.” Banner was assuring Cap. “Don’t worry about it.”

Loki tensed almost imperceptibly as he casually flipped to a new page. Tony and Thor looked up at the other two with interest.

“Are you sure?” Steve asked, frowning.

Banner turned to Tony. “Tell him it’s not scientifically possible.”

Stark crossed his arms. “It might be,” he offered unhelpfully. “If you got angry enough during your R.E.M. cycle.”

Banner looked affronted. “Well, that's just your opinion. What do you think, Thor?”

Thor was having trouble peeling his eyes away from the trainwreck on the TV. “I often spark from my fingers when I’m sleeping. It'd be unnatural if you couldn’t change into the large, green monster.”  
  
Loki made a _tsking_ noise in the back of his throat. “Don't mock the afflicted, Brother.”  
  
Thor rolled his eyes. “Oh, come off it, I speak the truth.”  
  
“Well, it may be the truth, but it's his cross to bear. He can't help having a horrible temper, his poor little body shuddering with pent up aggression as the Hulk-monster is unleashed over and over again. It must be exhausting.”

Bruce frowned. Doubt seeping into his mind, he examined himself in a mirror hanging on the exterior wall. Did he really change into the Hulk unbeknownst to himself?

Barton entered the hotel room with a briefcase and a pile of papers. “Rogers, Stark, Thor, I’ve got something for you.” He set the briefcase on the table and opened it up to reveal highly sophisticated weaponry.

Cap slunk into a chair as far away as possible from the trickster god. “I’m not sure I want to use a gun.”

“Relax, Captain America, these are tranq guns. No one will get hurt.” Clint offered the stalwart former soldier one, and he begrudgingly accepted it.

Banner turned from his position at the mirror. “None for me, then?”

Barton grimaced. “Sorry.”

“It’s your ability,” Loki unnecessarily supplied. “SHIELD is funny that way. They’re afraid of what they don’t understand. Take me for example.” The others wisely ignored his attempt to once again direct the conversation toward the Battle of New York.

Barton passed the same three Avengers each a manila folder with papers. “These are your roles for tomorrow. Memorise them then dispose of the paper.”

Tony crossed his arms. “Yeah, I don’t take things that are handed to me.”

Clint sighed in exasperation. “Natasha said you might say that, so I emailed your plans to your phone.”

Tony pulled his smartphone out of his jeans pocket. “Great thinking, Hawkeye.”

Banner felt his temper beginning to rise. “No role for me, either?”

Tony tossed him a small, one sided invitation. “That'll keep you busy.”

Natasha entered with a stack of notes about three times larger than all the others put together. She also had a very nice tuxedo coat and pants draped over her arms.  
  
Cap indicated her collection of papers. “Is that yours?  
  
Nat shook her head. “No, they’re for Dr. Banner.” She thrust everything into Bruce’s hands, who staggered into an armchair.  
  
Stark peered at the suit over his reading glasses. “Oooh, fancy. An Armani! How much did you have to bribe Agent Romanoff to set you up with that?”

“And yet I get to go as Captain America.” Steve shook his head, slightly envious.  
  
Banner laid his suit over the back of the armchair, clearly at a loss for words. “What’s my role, then?” A blank look appeared on the scientist’s face as he read the large embossed card Tony had thrown to him. “Eh?” he asked in confusion, “What's Boyd's Club?”

“It’s a private casino where some under-the-table weapons deals are purported to have taken place,” Barton explained. “We’re not sure why they invited you, but you may be privy to some valuable information.”

Tony and Steve pressed in close behind him to take a look. Thor, used to getting his own way, had no compunctions about grabbing the invitation right out of his hands.

"’The Management of Boyd's takes pleasure in requesting the company of Dr. Bruce Banner,’ that's you,” he added unnecessarily before continuing to read, “‘in their recently refinished gaming rooms. Chemin de Fer. Baccarat, Roulette, and Champagne Buffet.’ By Odin’s beard!”

Banner looked incredulous. “And they want me?”

“Oh, it's got round that you're a _big_ spender,” Tony quipped.  
  
Barton ignored him. “Perhaps they see you as an insurance policy,” he suggested. “Some of these hi-tech contraptions may involve gamma radiation. You’d be a handy fellow to have around if things went south.”

“Ah,” said Banner, but he didn’t really understand.

“You best be careful out there,” Loki advised, rising from his seat and pushing rudely past his brother to address Bruce. Thor bristled and took Loki’s place on the sofa. “It could be a trap. Besides, I hear these gambling dens are full of easy money, fast women, and cornets of caviar! Disgusting!”

“Hey, where’s my invite?” Banner asked, noticing Thor was empty-handed.

“I just had it!” Thor whined, patting himself down.

Loki sighed. “Trust you to lose something so important, Brother.” He shook his head in disdain.  
  
Natasha and Clint joined in the search, but it soon proved to be futile. “Come with me, Dr. Banner,” she finally said, draping a consoling arm around him. “I’ll see if I can’t wrangle you another one.” He nodded gratefully, and the two of them headed out of the suite.

“It's homework time for the rest of you!” Barton exclaimed with faux enthusiasm. Cap nodded and went straight to work, but Thor was still upset about losing the invitation. Tony decided this was as good an excuse to stall as any.

“Cheer up, Goldilocks,” he chirped, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Could be worse. Kenneth Branagh could be running around the streets creating even more havoc than he did earlier on that train.”

Thor blinked, scanning the room. “I don’t know who that is, but if you’re referring to my brother, I don’t see him anywhere.”

“Shit,” muttered Tony under his breath. “Son of a bitch pulled a fast one on us again.”

“Avengers, assemble!” called Cap, rising dramatically to his feet. “And language, Stark.”

Tony rolled his eyes as he, Thor, and Clint reluctantly followed their fearless leader into the hallway.

As soon as the door was firmly latched, Loki emerged from his hiding place in the nearby cupboard. “Child’s play,” he murmured smugly. He was about to open the door and exit when he peered through the peephole on a whim. A SHIELD agent stood outside the door, armed to the teeth. Loki cursed the whole lot of them for anticipating the possibility that he could still be in the room. Then, he slowly opened the door.

The SHIELD agent whipped around, aiming her weapon between his startled ice-blue eyes. “Not another move, god of mischief,” she mumbled between gritted teeth.

“Agent Hill,” he purred with all the charm he could muster, “How lovely to see you again.” He offered his hand as if he expected her to shake it.

Puzzled, Maria let down her guard for only a second. That was all he needed. As she reflexively removed one hand from the gun to greet him, he quickly drew his hand back, startling her. “I’ll be taking that gun please,” he commanded in a calm and silky tone.

Before she knew what she was doing, Maria released the weapon into his waiting arms. She looked up at him, dazed. “What just happened?” she wondered aloud.

“Nothing to concern yourself with,” Loki continued in a soothing tone while unobtrusively sending the firearms off to the odd dimension where he stored such things. “Now be a good girl and go sit in that cupboard until I get back from Boyd’s.”

Hill’s eyes had completely glazed over by this point. “Of course, Lord Loki. Whatever you say.” He stood back to let her by and she entered the suite, making a slow beeline toward the cupboard.

“Mortals,” Loki said fondly, as he pulled the purloined invitation from beneath his leather jerkin. “So easy to manipulate.” With a slight flip of his wrist, a green shimmer of light transformed him into the spitting image of Dr. Banner wearing the Armani suit that was currently hanging off the back of the armchair.

“And a free champagne buffet,” he mused in Banner's stolen voice, tapping the card against his arm and grinning like a madman.


	7. Any of You Put an Agent in that Cupboard?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki gambles for his life, and Banner discovers Agent Hill in the closet.

The whole atmosphere of the club was saturated with strained elegance and loud wealth. Around the baccarat table the rich, bored customers sat barely moving their facial muscles as they languidly murmured "suivez" and "banco" to the dealer as he operated the shoe. The manager of the club beamed with satisfaction as he surveyed his customers. The male customers were all in tuxedos or suits. Lush ladies with indolent, sophisticated faces that looked as if they had been painted on stood by each man.

Loki as Bruce Banner observed the ambience around him and wiped off his look of enjoyment. He quickly threw on an expression that would elaborately out-bore everyone in the room. He was about to make his way to the Baccarat table when a man in a monkey suit that barely seemed to stretch over his formidable frame approached him. Loki didn’t even need to see the lump in his jacket to know he was packing.  
  
“Alors, Monsieur?” the man demanded.

Loki tried to keep his voice nonchalant. “Comment allez-vous ce soir?” He turned to the buxom blonde accompanying the giant. “Et vous?”  
  
“I didn’t know Dr. Banner could speak French,” the woman replied, clearly impressed.

Loki smiled invitingly. “Oh, I’m a man of many hidden talents.” He nodded his head at the glowering goliath. “Does he want something?”

“Just a friendly chat,” the blonde assured him.

Loki saw the man reaching into his coat pocket for what was presumably his gun. “Perhaps we could chat over a game of Baccarat?” Loki quickly seated himself at the table, taking up the cards. “Four and four is eight....”  
  
The buxom blonde leaned over him, giving him ample view of her assets. “Put them out.”  
  
Loki quirked an eyebrow, momentarily distracted. “Eh?”  
  
The blonde urged, “I mean, put them down on the table.”  
  
“We'd be thrown out!”  
  
“Your _cards_...put them down...face up.”

Relieved, Loki set his cards down. The croupier pushed the chips and a box to Loki. “Huit à la pointe...et sept.”

The blonde bent over, exposing her chest again. “You had a lovely little pair, you see, monsieur.”  
  
“You don’t say?” Loki asked, averting his gaze.  
  
There was a clearing of throats from two separate locations. The croupier was tapping impatiently on the box, and the giant stranger was tapping on his watch. The blonde rose. “Come, Monsieur Banner.”

Loki grabbed the box in front of him. “I can’t possibly leave. I’m bank.” He flashed a cheeky grin at the giant, who was clearly unamused. “Mes excuses.”

***

Thor threw open the hotel suite door, causing it to bang into the wall. “Loki, you’d better be back in here or so help me-”

“Calm down, He-Man,” Tony said as he headed toward the bedrooms. “We’ll find him even if we have to turn this city upside-down.”

Cap shook his head and gingerly closed the door. “My bet is that he was here the whole time. Otherwise, the guard we placed at the door would still be there.”

Clint wandered off to check the bathroom. “Jeez, I hope Maria is alright.”

After a few minutes of fruitless searching, Barton, Stark, Thor and Rogers collapsed on the sofa in defeat. “Well, there’s two hours that I’ll never see again,” Hawkeye complained.

The doorknob turned revealing Natasha and Bruce, who was clutching a new invitation. “Hurry up and change,” Agent Romanoff instructed. “I’ll see what the boys have been up to.”

“You do not want to know,” groaned Steve, pulling the lever to release one of the sofa’s footrests.

Bruce removed his checked suit coat and went to go hang it in the closet. He was startled to find Agent Hill sitting on the floor with her arms wrapped around her legs.

“Uh,” stammered Banner. “Any of you guys put an agent in that cupboard?”

“An agent?” asked Captain Rogers. “Of course not. Is this some kind of joke?”

“Well, somebody did,” Bruce insisted petulantly.  
  
Cap dashed to the cupboard and yanked it open to reveal Agent Hill. “Ma’am, are you hurt?”

“No, Loki told me to sit here,” Maria explained in a flat tone.

By now the rest of the Avengers had gathered around the cupboard. “He must have used some form of mind control,” observed Natasha.

Barton cursed and then bent over to look into her eyes. “Her irises don’t seem to be glowing an unnatural blue, so he hasn’t retrieved his scepter. Might be a case of your average run-of-the-mill street hypnosis.”

Maria examined her fingernails, clearly disinterested. “Ah well, there you go.”

Thor was likewise unconcerned as to the specifics of Loki’s trickery. “Where did my brother go?” he demanded.

“He wanted to get into Boyd’s,” Maria replied.

“Oh, he's gone to my club, has he?” Bruce crossed his arms indignantly.  
  
Thor turned on Banner. “It's all your fault, getting invites to gambling clubs and all that. He's probably in the middle of some orgy by now!”  
  
Tony showed his first bit of interest in the entire affair. “ORGY?!? What are we waiting for?” He leapt towards the door.

Steve frowned. “What about Agent Hill?”  
Natasha sat down in the cupboard with Maria. “I’ll stay with her until you get Loki back.” She shook her head at Thor. “Honestly, that brother of yours is worse than any of you guys, and that’s saying something.”

***

Meanwhile, at Boyd’s, Loki was still trying to avoid any confrontation with his large “friend.” The femme fatale had decided to stick to him like glue, which was not helping him in his escape plans. So Loki had continued to play Baccarat. He carelessly tossed in some more chips onto the bank’s side. He had accumulated a hefty sum, due largely to his “luck” (also known as mind control), much to his female companion’s chagrin. “Another round, and I'll have some more champagne as well.” As soon as the glass was placed in his long hand, he took a rapid swig.  
  
The manager approached the gargantuan French goon. “What’s the hold up? Why have you not kidnapped Banner yet?”

The man growled. “He...will not leave ze table” he said in broken English. “Dr. Banner eez...annoying.”  
  
“Oh I don't know,” a woman walking by stopped to comment, “He seems rather charming to me.”

The manager watched for a moment then moved away from the table towards the club reception desk where the Avengers had all just assembled, trying to gain entrance.

Hawkeye gave Tony a warning glare. “Come on, try to act with a bit of decorum. This is a posh place.”

“I know how to behave,” Tony reassured him. “I’ve had lessons.”  
  
The attendant rushed over to the group. “I'm sorry sir, members and invited guests only.”

The Avengers all began talking at once. Thor said, “I’ve got to get in.”

Steve added, “It’s urgent and important.”

Tony was most helpful. “Take me to your leader.”

Banner explained, “I’ve had an invitation.” He handed him the replacement card he had received from Natasha. Bruce was quickly ushered in, but the others were prevented from following him.

Barton tried another approach. “Yes, but…” he nodded at Tony, “That’s Tony Stark, millionaire... playboy...philanthropist. And I’m his invaluable assistant.”

At the word “millionaire,” the attendant was sold. “Oh yes, of course. You two may pass.”  
  
Thor chimed in. “I’m Tony’s sister.”

“Yeah,” Tony agreed with a twinkle in his eye, “And that’s her boyfriend.” He pointed at Steve, who glared back.

The attendant shrugged and admitted them as well. Who was he to judge? It was a crazy world out there these days.

The manager recognised the heroes and greeted them with false enthusiasm. Then he did a double take. Two Bruce Banners? Which one was the real Hulk?  
  
Clint raised an appeasing hand. “All we want to know is have you seen anything suspicious in your gambling room?”

The manager feigned a pleasant smile. “You mean like another Dr. Banner?”  
  
The Avengers all stared at Loki’s perfectly disguised figure rolling in dough at the Baccarat table and being smothered by a buxom blonde.

Banner looked desperate. “He’s at it again... Look, I'm him. I mean, he’s me! I mean…”  
  
Steve pulled his tranquilizer from his holster and hoped no one could tell it wasn’t loaded with bullets. “Stay where you are, everybody! This is a raid, and we want him.” Clint followed his lead and revealed his own pistol as well.

Loki had never been more relieved to see the Avengers...but he wasn’t about to let them know that. “Who are these ruffians?” he sputtered. “I've never seen them before in my life! That man is a poor facsimile of me! I’m the real Bruce Banner!”  
  
Thor grabbed the protesting god of mischief and dragged him into the reception area. Banner and Tony each took an end of the velvet cord hanging between the two stanchions. They exchanged ends and re-hooked it, thus encircling Loki by the reception desk.

The manager marched after them with the giant goon. “Before you go, gentlemen, there's the small matter of the bill.” At the manager’s signal, the behemoth reached for his own gun.

Clint shot the man down with his own tranq. “I'll settle that.”

The manager looked nervously about him. “Er…” He reluctantly handed Clint the actual bill.  
  
Barton’s eyes grew round in disbelief. “Eight hundred dollars!”  
  
“I beg your pardon, _thousand_. He ate the best caviar and drank the best champagne…”  
  
At that moment a waiter appeared with a tray full of cash, stepping over the unconscious Frenchman on the floor. He went straight for the fake Bruce Banner in the tux. “Your winnings, Doctor, nine thousand dollars.” The manager tore up the bill and grabbed the money.  
  
“What about my change?” protested Loki.  
  
The manager sniffed. “You shot my man.”  
  
Bruce smiled brightly. “Ah well, easy come, easy go.” The others glowered at him. “What?”


	8. My Mind Boggles at the Very Idea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nat "learns" to shoot a revolver, and Tony calls a press conference.

The next morning, Tony Stark sighed lazily as he leaned back in the hot tub on the balcony of their hotel suite. This was the life. Feeling an unfamiliar bulge in his swim trunks, he reached down into its pocket and pulled out a plastic toy submarine. “Huh. I forgot I put one of my prototypes in here.” Glancing around, he made the tiny vessel glide through the bubbling waters making motor noises. After a minute, he lifted it up to his face and addressed it’s invisible admiral. “Gut Morgan, mein Herr. Kann ich nicht Tee haben?” He pretended to sip a cup of tea. “Ah, danke.”

While this foolishness was going on, Captain Rogers wandered onto the lanai. Tony pointed to him in mock horror! “Ah! Zie filthy Amerikaner!”

Cap scowled. “You think I take pleasure in German jokes?”

An old fashioned revolver in her hands, Natasha followed several steps behind Cap. “Keeping it clean, I see,” Nat observed drily. Seeing Cap was still in a mood, she batted her eyelashes flirtatiously. “Aw, come on, Steve.”

He blushed violently. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

“But you said I could!” Nat faked a pout, which only brought more attention to her already full-bottom lip.

Steve averted his gaze and rubbed the back of his neck. “Honestly, my mind boggles at the very idea. An experienced spy, and you haven’t fired an old-fashioned revolver.”

“It’s not my fault the KGB only provided me with the most advanced weaponry.” Natasha poked him in the ribs. “We’re not all older than dirt.”

Despite himself, Cap began to waver. “Well, you’re not using my shield for target practice.”

Natasha grinned triumphantly. “Alright then, but show me.” She handed him the revolver.

Cap gestured with his head towards a makeshift target set up on the other end of the balcony. “Come on, then.”

Tony eyed them both with amusement before returning to his toy. “And crown thy good with brotherhood from sea to shining…” he sang, a trifle off-key. He brought the hand with the submarine down to the water, creating a great SPLASH!

Natasha carelessly aimed at the target and fired several rounds. They all completely missed their mark. Steve wondered how she could be so bad.

“Remember to keep both hands on it when firing. For a little gun, it can pack quite the punch.” He grabbed her arms and aligned them with the target; then gently guided her hands to pull the trigger. Bullseye. Noticing his proximity to Natasha, Cap suddenly forgot what he was doing.

Black Widow smirked as she realized she had Steve exactly where she wanted him. Playing coy, she glanced back at him, her face mere inches from his. “So _that’s_ how it works.” Cap swallowed hard.

Tony was no help. “Heinrich, Helmut, Hedwig, help!” he yelled as he pretended to drown.

Steve recovered enough of his equilibrium to let go of Natasha. “Torpedoed, eh?” he called to Stark, who was still under the water. “You can’t trust a Nazi.”

Clint rushed onto the balcony, clearly frazzled. “Come on. There’s a car waiting to take us to the Expo. Where’s Tony?”

“In the Jacuzzi,” Cap shouted as he dashed off.

Clint looked in bewilderment at Natasha, who was still clutching the 1940’s standard revolver. “What are you doing with that ancient relic?”

She fired the remaining bullets expertly into the center of the target. “Just seeing if I still had my touch.” She sauntered past Clint. “And I do.”

Bemused, Clint shook his head and turned his attention to the Jacuzzi. “Alright, Stark, let’s go.” He peered into the bubbling water for a person. “Come on, Tony, stop goofing around.” No reply. “Tony?” He started splashing through the water, expecting to see a drowned body. “Tony!” But the only thing he found was the tiny submarine, which unhelpfully read “Stark Industries Prototype 000452.”

A mysterious hand tapped him on the shoulder, and Barton jumped straight up in the air. He turned to see Tony fully dressed in the same suit from yesterday, only this time, he sported a Black Sabbath tee. “What are you messing around with that boat for?” he asked, feigning confusion. “There’s a car waiting! Come on!”

“Thanks for taking a year off my life,” Barton muttered.

Tony looked at him over the frames of his designer shades. “Nah. Only the good die young, bro.”

Meanwhile, back in the living area, a tribunal was taking place. Bruce and Thor sat on the sofa facing a ostensibly contrite Loki, who was manacled and kneeling in front of them on the floor.

“Brother,” Loki began, his soft baritone voice oozing charm.

Thor merely crossed his arms more firmly across his chest. “What am I going to do with you, Loki?”

The trickster merely shrugged, pleading at the two of them with his gorgeous blue eyes. “You could pardon me and set me free?” he suggested in his most persuasive tones.

“Your mind games have no effect on me, Brother,” Thor retorted, spittle flying from his mouth.

“Don’t they?” He arranged his features into his most innocent mien.

But Loki’s attempt to plant doubt in his older sibling’s psyche was fruitless. His face wore a mask of cold indifference toward his brother’s pleas. Banner, on the other hand, was feeling more sympathetic.

“Aw, come on, Thor,” Banner said with a light shoulder nudge. “His actions last night were...regrettable, but they may have unintentionally saved us a lot of trouble.”

Thor quirked an unimpressed brow. “Oh? Pray, explain your meaning.”

Bruce’s legs skittered against each other nervously as he turned to the thunder god. “Well,” he said with a hard swallow, “he certainly did a good job of preventing those thugs from manhandling me.”

Loki’s eyes brightened, if that were at all physically possible. “The mortal speaks the truth,” he eagerly agreed. “If those barbarians had laid their hands on Banner instead of me, he might have been absconded with or worse…” He shuddered with unfeigned horror. “...transmogrified into that abomination and slaughtered countless innocents.”

Bruce nodded enthusiastically, reminding Thor of the look on his brother’s face that time he had tried to convince their parents to let him keep a wild pegasus that followed him home. He sighed. “I suppose,” he started, and Loki knew he had already won.

Stark and Barton wandered onto the scene. “So are we shipping Loki off to China?” Tony asked hopefully.

“In light of the circumstances, my brother will be staying,” Thor replied as he removed his brother’s manacles. Loki gently chafed his wrists and nodded gratefully in response.

“May I ask, ‘why?’” Barton demanded.

“Because he hasn’t actually done anything to harm the mission,” Banner explained.

“Well, I’m keeping my eye on you, trickster,” snarled Hawkeye. “You might have these two idiots fooled, but not me.”

Loki smiled warmly, as if Clint had just complimented him instead of admitting his deep-seated mistrust. “I applaud your tenacity, Agent Barton, however misplaced it might be.”

Hawkeye snorted. “Whatever. Let’s just get a move on.”

Forty-five minutes later, a dark limousine pulled up in front of the expo center, and six Avengers, plus Loki, tumbled out. But no sooner did they reach the sidewalk then they were assaulted by a mob of overeager members of the local media.

Happy Hogan approached them, dark glasses concealing his expression. “Press conference, they're waiting for you,” he muttered as he came up alongside his boss. Stark nodded, as he pushed away several rabid fans.

Barton looked at the billionaire incredulously. “Press conference? Tony?”

Tony shrugged helplessly. “Look, I’m the one who’s going to be sequestered in Starbucks surveilling you with Banner while the rest of you are having fun harassing my old arch-nemesis. I figured you and Romanoff could use a distraction so you can go do your sneaky spy stuff. And who’s more qualified to start a potential riot than yours truly?”

Happy escorted them toward a room inside the massive building. “They're waiting now!”

Steve froze, crossing his arms. “That’s nice. Give us a shout when it’s over!”

“Come on, Mr. Star-Spangled Grouch,” Tony poked him in the ribs with the arm of his sunglasses. You’re helping your teammates get into the expo unnoticed. Surely you aren’t against subterfuge?”

Barton sighed. “Unfortunately, I think this plan will work, but next time, consult with SHIELD first, okay?”

Tony waved his hand dismissively. “Yeah, yeah.”

Thor nervously smoothed his long locks. “I have not been interviewed by Midgardians before. How do I proceed?”

Tony slapped Thor on the back. “The important thing is to not give anything personal away. If they ask you about any romances or anything you don't want to answer, be vague.”

“How so?”

“I dunno. Say, ‘we’re just good friends.’”

Thor repeated the words under his breath as they headed into the room. Natasha and Clint headed off to the expo to do some undercover work.

The conference was being held in a rented lounge room, which was empty except for two barmaids poised ready to serve, standing behind trestle tables full of drinks and sandwiches. The group arrived at the lounge, but before they could get to the food, from all directions news reporters and photographers converged upon them. Together and singly the Avengers were pushed about the room, as reporters wrangled to get a question and photographers angled to get a picture. While this continued, the throng of reporters busily devoured sandwiches and poured themselves drinks, to the annoyance of the bartenders.

As Cap reached over to grab a sandwich, he saw Loki sneaking out of the room. Sighing, he turned to follow him when he was accosted by one of the many reporters.

“Captain Rogers,” she began, shoving a microphone in his face. “Doesn’t that uniform cut off your circulation in certain...areas?”

Steve blinked for a moment, heat spreading across his cheeks. “I’ve always liked that question,” he finally snarked, gesturing toward the inaccessible tray of food. “Although the better question would be whether I wanted any sandwiches.”

The reporter giggled, clearly not realising that he was completely serious.

Cap sighed as Tony Stark’s piercing voice drifted through the din. “And when I plugged her in, she just blew up,” he was saying. Steve had no idea what the context of that statement was, and he decided that he really didn’t want to know.

Stark’s reporter was taking feverish notes from his last comment. “Tell me, how did you find the SHIELD helicarrier?”

Tony pretended to be confused. “What an odd question. Nick Fury took me there, of course.”

Captain America’s female reporter wasn’t slowing down. “Has the super-soldier serum changed your life?”

Cap tried to snatch at a drink tray as it went by. “Yes.”

Meanwhile, in another corner, Thor was regaling a group of interviewers with a story. “After I’m done with this mission, I’d like to tidy up Asgard,” he concluded to good-hearted laughter and applause.

Another reporter asked Bruce through a mouthful of half-masticated food, “Are you a nuclear physicist or a biochemist?”

Banner shrugged, repulsed at the bad manners. “Can’t I be both?”

Another reporter from some rag magazine that nobody took seriously elbowed his way to the front of the Tony’s posse. “Mr. Stark, do you have any hobbies besides being Iron Man?”

Tony grabbed the reporter’s notepad out of his hand and wrote something lewd. The interviewers began to titter awkwardly. Stark overheard Thor speaking to a reporter.

“No, actually, we’re just good friends,” Thor said, sweat noticeable on his brow.

A female reporter sidled up to an annoyed Banner. “Do you think the Avengers are here to stay?”

“Absolutely. We’re stuck together like glue,” Bruce deadpanned.

A photographer started snapping pictures of Cap. “What would you call that hairstyle you’re wearing? 1940’s chic?”

Cap winced at the camera’s flash. “I call it, ‘Arthur.’”

Thor was blinking rapidly at the expectant reporters in his company. “No, actually, we’re just good friends,” he repeated.

The same photographer who was harassing Steve approached Tony. “What do you call your blasters?”

“Umm, blasters?” Stark shrugged.

The photographer looked disappointed. “Oh.”

Another newsman asked Thor, “Do you often see your father, Odin?

“No, actually, we’re just good friends?” Thor responded feebly.

The rag mag reporter shoved his notepad under Banner’s nose. “How do you like your girlfriends to dress?”

Banner was struck by the absurdity of the inquiry and burst out laughing. “HAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Cap’s head shot up at the sound of Bruce’s laughter. He noticed that a new figure was entering the room: Justin Hammer. “What’s all this?” Hammer demanded. Tony’s cover was about to be compromised.

Steve searched out Thor’s gaze across the heads of all the people and gave a short nod. He and the god of thunder descended on an unsuspecting Stark and hefted him up by his shoulders, carrying him out of the room. Banner surreptitiously followed. None of them remembered to look for Loki.


	9. If That’s Your Opinion, You’re Probably Right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter Parker makes a cameo, and Justin Hammer blows a fuse.

With a soft chime, the four Avengers entered the nearby Starbucks where Tony and Banner would set up their surveillance. Barely a head turned as they approached a table near the front of the store and Stark began to arrange his high-tech laptops. Bruce stood awkwardly by, watching him.

“This is all well and good,” Thor interrupted impatiently, “but I really must locate my-”

Cap nudged him in the shoulder and pointed toward the back of the coffee shop where Loki was sitting calmly sipping a latte and munching on scones. A young boy with tousled brown hair was peering curiously at him from his place in the line beside an attractive woman.

Thor stormed over to his errant sibling. “Anything to spare?” he asked bitterly as Loki stuffed the last bite of scone into his mouth.

“I’ve just finished,” he replied, swallowing. “Frightfully sorry.”  
  
Thor sighed in exasperation, and Cap tried not to look crushed that a second chance at a snack had just evaded him.

“Where did you even get the money to pay for that?” Cap inquired, raising a suspicious brow.

Loki merely grinned. “Who said I used money?”

Meanwhile, Stark had slipped away to get himself a triple-shot soy latte, leaving his hi-tech gear unattended. The boy from the line approached the equipment, his brown eyes as big as saucers. “Aunt May, look at this hi-tech OS! I’ve never seen anything like it.” The little boy ran his hand over the holographic keyboard. Bruce seemed about to say something but instead just gestured helplessly at Stark.

Tony’s face crumpled in full panic mode. “Excuse me, kid, step away from the system. That software cost me more to build than the entire annual GDP of Sokovia.”

The little boy hopped up and down enthusiastically. “Oh, surely I can have a tiny touch.” He placed a finger on the touchpad.

Tony hopped out of the queue, ready to deal out justice. “If you so much as breathe heavy on them, I'm out on strike.”

The boy blinked owlishly at him. “Aren't you being rather arbitrary?”

Tony was taken aback at the vocabulary of the child. “What? Did you read the dictionary from cover to cover? I wouldn't go around messing with your iPhone, would I?”

The boy started to pout. “Spoil sport!”

Stark fussed like a mother hen, clucking over his computers.

“Hey, kid,” Loki pseudo-whispered. The little boy approached him. “He's very touchy about his equipment. They loom large in his legend.”

The boy grinned at Loki and was about to respond when his aunt called, “Peter Parker, get your butt back here this instance, or so help me…” Giving a little wave to Loki, Peter dutifully returned to his aunt in line.

Tony muttered as he banged about his equipment. Thor and Cap hurried over to him, Loki, still nursing his coffee, in tow.

“What ails you, Mr. Stark?” Thor asked.  
  
Cap rolled his eyes. “Don’t mind him. He's sulking again.”

Tony’s computer started ringing. He clicked a button, and Agent Romanoff’s face appeared. “Are Thor and Captain Rogers with you, Tony?”

“Yeah, they were chasing down a wayward trickster.”

Natasha grimaced. “Well, get them back to the expo STAT. We need to start our infiltration protocol.”

Cap, the god of thunder, and his brother headed back to the expo. They sneaked into the room where the press conference was being held only to discover Justin Hammer yucking it up with the media.

“Okay, Hammer doesn’t seem to know that Stark was here.That’s good,” Cap observed. “We need to split up now. I’ve got to get to the firing range.” With a firm nod goodbye, he vanished into the crowd of reporters.

Thor turned to his brother. “My job is to detect if there is any extraterrestrial tech being used in these Hammer products. Specifically of the Chitauri variety. For some reason, a few of their weapons ended up on Midgard.” He fixed Loki with an icy glare.

“I have a bit of familiarity with that particular brand,” Loki offered helpfully, seemingly oblivious to his brother’s blatant accusations.

Thor continued to glower at him. “Really? Do tell.”

Loki sniffed as though offended. “Well, if you don’t care to utilise my expert knowledge, I’ll go see what Stark and Banner are up to.”

Thor gripped him tightly around the wrist, causing him to flinch. “Oh, no, you don’t. Not this time. Come, let us put your so-called ‘expert knowledge’ to use.”

As they entered the main exhibit hall, Thor’s jaw dropped. Row upon row of booths displaying the latest in destructive technology were spread out as far as the eye could see. Loki noticed how obvious his brother was being and conjured up a pair of designer sunglasses for each of them to wear. “Your poker face is truly astounding, brother,” he snarked. “No one would pay the slightest attention to you at all.”

“Shut up,” barked Thor, as he adjusted his shades.

Loki mimicked locking his lips with a key and throwing it away, but Thor knew better. The god of mischief _literall_ y could not stop talking even to save his own sorry neck.

Thor stepped up to a table holding an array of assault weapons that looked far too sophisticated to have originated on Earth. Squinting, he surveyed them doubtfully. “These might be something,” he muttered to his brother.

Loki shook his head. “Anyone with half a brain could tell you that they are absolute rubbish,” he said loudly, causing the strapping youth manning the booth to turn and stare at him.

Thor eyed him dubiously. “Are you certain?”

Loki scoffed. “Of course I am. Do you honestly question my expertise in this matter? After all, I am the only one in this room who has commanded an entire alien army.”

Thor shushed his brother with a frantic wave of his hand. “Keep it down. Do you want the whole world to know who you are?”

“What do you think?” He lowered his sunglasses so his brother could see the twinkle in his startling blue eyes.

Thor groaned and dragged Loki further into the enormous hall. Neither of them noticed the man at the booth pulling out his cellphone to call his boss and tell him what the tall leather-clad stranger had said about his prized products.

Cap meanwhile had managed to locate Barton in the crowd. “It seems I’m a bit lost,” he admitted to the SHIELD agent. “This map is the most confusing thing I’ve ever seen.” He handed the folded rectangle to his much younger compatriot.

Clint frowned as he looked at the scale version of the expo center. “Yikes!” he agreed, tracing his finger along its surface. “The firing range is at the opposite end from the entrance. I think if you take a left here, you should be able to find it.”

Before Steve could follow his advice, Thor came up behind them. “Any luck?” Cap asked him.

The thunder god shook his head. “Nay. I could have sworn some of these weapons were of unearthly origin, but Loki assured me…”

“Speak of the devil,” Clint interrupted, “where is that crazy trickster anyway?”

Thor looked about himself frantically, but his brother was nowhere to be found. “He was just here,” he insisted, panic creeping into his voice.

The trio spent the next fifteen minutes looking for their missing charge, but to no avail. Finally, they decided to regroup near the concession area.

“Now what do we do?” whined Thor.

“I don’t know about you,” said Cap, “but I’m getting a pretzel. I’m starving.” He was just moving to get into the queue when Clint touched his arm and pointed at the group of gentlemen who were heading for their table.  
  
Surrounded by his flouncies, Hammer approached Thor, Barton, and Cap with over-exaggerated calm. “All right. I'm sorry, and let's hear no more about it. If that's your opinion, you're probably right.”

The Avengers stared blankly at him.

“Look, if you think my weapons are unsuitable, let's have it out in the open. I can't stand these backstage politics.” Hammer was now standing eye to eye--or more like, eye to chin--with Thor.

Thor scratched his beard, almost knocking over Hammer with his hand. “Who said anything about hating your weapons?”

Hammer continued to bristle. “Well, quite honestly I wasn't expecting an ‘alien army commander’ to show up and question my ability...weapon-wise.”

Clint shook his head, fighting back a grin at the stupidity of Justin Hammer. “I could listen to him for hours.”

Steve seemed to be the only one catching on to Justin’s complaint. “What's all this about an ‘alien army commander’?”

Hammer waved his hand to someone hanging out behind his flunkies. “General Loki Laufeyson.”

Everyone groaned before Loki could even begin to speak, “Brother, they're trying to fob you off with this manufacturing charlatan, but I've given him the test.”

“Well, gee, Mr. ‘I’m-so-much better-than-you-because-I’m-Asgardian,’ I'm quite happy to be replaced,” Hammer snarked bitterly.

Loki continued his diatribe. “He's a typical buck-passer. I’m sure he bought these parts from some Hollywood studio and dressed them up as hi-tech weaponry.”

“Hollywood studio?” sputtered Hammer. “I won an award for my state-of-the-art weapons.”

Loki sniffed imperiously. “A likely story.”

“It's hanging on the wall in my office.”

At that moment, a brawny man, clearly the head of security, pushed through the ever-expanding crowd of bystanders. “Mr. Hammer, sir? Everyone happy?”

The Avengers, Hammer, and Loki turned on him and glared mutinously. The security guard leaned in to whisper to his boss, “If you don't need this lot, I'll lock 'em up.”

It was Justin’s turn to sniff. “Please do. I need to figure out what to do with them. Thank you.” He glowered at Loki who glowered right back.Then he turned on his heels, his posse of sycophants following after him. “I can see it all now,” he muttered to himself, “it's all a plot. A plot!”

The security guard murmured into his walkie-talkie. “Give me a case of tranquilizers.” To the Avengers, he said, “Now, come on, you four, don’t try anything funny.” He pulled a gun out of his holster and waved it at them menacingly.

Thor reached out his arm to summon Mjolnir, but Cap stayed his hand, tipping his head to the side. Unfortunately, the Asgardian demigod had no idea what he was trying to say. The guard pushed the muzzle of his weapon into Loki’s shoulder blade and steered them away from the crowd toward a small staircase. They marched up the stairs, Cap in the lead, followed by Barton, Thor, and Loki. As soon as they reached the top, a confused security team rushed them.

“Hey, you can’t be up here!” shouted a less-than-menacing woman who couldn’t have been taller that five foot four.

The guard at the rear tried to explain what was going on, but he found himself suddenly tongue tied. In the confusion, Cap bolted away from the cluster of people toward an emergency exit. “This way, men!” he called as he pushed the door open to a cacophony of alarms.

Clint, Thor and Loki followed him, bursting out onto the fire escape. “We’re out!” called Thor in relief.

Loki grinned and locked the door behind them with a flip of his wrist. “Indeed,” he agreed cheerfully and the brothers exchanged conspiratorial glances. It was just like old times.


	10. Oh, My God, He's a Natural

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beth the waitress mistakes Tony for his alter ego, and Cap has a run in with Willis Stryker.

In the Starbucks, Tony answered his computer once again. “Natasha, what’s up?” In the background of the phone call, he could hear sirens blazing. “Where’s the fire?”

“That’s just it. Cap and the boys had to make an escape, and they set off the alarms. This whole place is going to be evacuated, including all of Hammer’s illegal weaponry, unless we can hack the system and shut down the alarms.”

Tony adjusted his reading glasses. “Hacking into the expo center’s security should take all of about five minutes. I’ll let you know when it’s done.”

“Thanks,” replied Natasha wrily, “but I think the lack of ear-piercing wails will clue me in.”

“What can I do?” Bruce asked eagerly.

“Stay out of my way,” Tony answered.

Crestfallen, Bruce skulked off to a window seat to nurse a lukewarm decaf mocha. Caffeine made the Big Guy too jittery.

Tony set to work to remotely access the Hammer Expo security system and override its codes. As he labored, he noticed the eyes of a female barista following his every move. He made sure his computer monitor was not visible to her as she bussed some tables and continued his task.

Bruce scurried back to the table. “The fire trucks have arrived.”

“Well, those poor bastards are going to discover that the alarms went off due to a faulty smoke detector on the second floor.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because along with turning off the alarms, I just sent their little security system a message about the presumed faulty detector.” Tony rubbed his hands together gleefully, proud of his work.

Bruce dashed back to the window to spy the chaos unfolding across the street.  
  
“Hello.”

Tony looked up at the barista who had been spying on him moments earlier. “Hello?”  
  
“I’m Beth.” The woman put a hand on her heart in shock. “Oh, wait a minute, don't tell me you're…”  
  
“No, not me,” Stark interrupted her. He did not want to give out any autographs while he was doing shady secret agent work.  
  
Beth was insistent. “Oh you are. I know you are.”  
  
Tony shook his head. “No, I'm not.”  
  
“You are Robert Downey, Jr.”  
  
Tony blinked rapidly at this turn of events. “I'm not, no.”  
  
“Well, you look like him.”  
  
“Oh, do I? You're the first one who ever said that.”  
  
“Yes, you do! Look.” Beth led him over to a mirror on one of the back walls.

Tony whipped off his reading glasses to examine himself more closely. “My eyes are lighter.”  
  
“Oh, yes.”  
  
“And my nose…” He gestured vaguely at the facial appendage.  
  
“Well, yes your nose is. _Very_.”

Tony glanced at her in surprise. “ _Is_ it?”  
  
“I would have said so.”  
  
“I bet you know him better.”  
  
Beth was indignant. “No, I don't. He's only a casual acquaintance.”

Shrugging, Tony made to go back to his seat. “That's what you say…”  
  
Beth grabbed his arm. “What have you heard?”  
  
“Umm...it's all over the place. Everyone knows.” What exactly, “it” was, he wasn’t sure, but he wanted to get rid of the neurotic bimbette.  
  
“ _Is_ it? Is it really?” Beth seemed far too delighted with this.  
  
“Mind you, I wouldn't have it. I stood up for RDJ.”

“I knew we could rely on you!”  
  
“Thanks.” Tony headed back to his chair.  
  
He was about halfway to his seat when Beth called to him, “You don't look like him at all!”  
  
“She looks more like him than I do,” he muttered as he returned to his work.

Half an hour later, after the hubbub surrounding the convention center had died down, Captain Rogers was finally on his way to the firing range. Thanks to the chaos earlier, the Avengers had needed to rework their plan. Rogers was now undercover to avoid being recaptured by Hammer’s men. His “disguise” consisted of a baseball cap, an ill-fitting hoodie, and too-tight jeans. Most civilians didn’t recognize Steve when he wasn’t wearing his Captain America cowl, so he was able to move freely through the convention.

According to his map, he was almost there. He just had to make one last turn. As soon as he did, he knew he was in for a rough time. An African American man was leaning menacingly toward the petite woman who was apparently running the booth. She was trembling visibly as the customer continued to stare her down.

“And what proof do I have that these so-called Chitauri bullets will actually take down my metahuman brother?” he asked, flailing an alien weapon about.

The slender blonde blinked rapidly, trying to come up with the sort of reply that wouldn’t get her killed.

“Find me a guinea pig or else!” the man snarled before storming off to a firing range nearby.

The woman was shaking violently--whether from tears or fear, Steve couldn’t tell. Suddenly, she noticed Steve standing there. Her blue eyes brightened with relief as she said in a loud voice, “Oh, there you are!”

Cap froze, wondering whether this woman really intended to use him as the guinea pig the man had threatened her over. But his chivalry won out in the end, and he reasoned that he should certainly stay if the young woman’s life was in any possible danger. “Oh, I'm sorry,” he said, all politeness. “I thought I must have made a mistake.”

“You haven’t,” she assured him with a nervous giggle. “You’re just late. The woman surveyed every inch of Steve in his modern attire. “Oh, yes, Mr. Stryker’s going to be very pleased with you.”

“Is he?” Steve wondered aloud.

“Come on.” She gestured with her head and led him to the firing range where the scary man was unsuccessfully trying to fire the Chitauri gun at a target. “I’ve got one,” the woman proclaimed.

Willis Stryker’s glare could have bored holes through Cap’s vibranium shield if he had been holding it. “Alright, let’s test the merch.” He aimed the gun at Steve.

“Wait, wait, wait!” Cap raised his arms in front of him in a protective gesture.

“Don’t worry,” Stryker said with an ironic grin. “This is all going to be quite painless.”

“Look,” Steve began, backing away from the crazed arms dealer. “I'm terribly sorry, but I'm afraid there's been some sort of a misunderstanding.”

Stryker was looking for the safety mechanism on the weapon. “Oh, you can come off it with us,” he coaxed. “You don't have to carry on like that for our benefit.”

“I'm afraid I don't understand,” Cap protested while quickly disarming Stryker with a few swift martial arts moves. The Chitauri gun went skittering across the floor.

Stryker blinked at him then burst out in an evil cackle. “Oh, my God, he's a natural.”  
  
The booth lady shifted nervously from foot to foot. “Well, I did tell them not to send us any more fake ones.”

“They ought to know by now the real ones are much easier to handle.” He now spoke to Cap in a loud voice that jerks tend to reserve for foreigners and village idiots. “I’m sorry to frighten you like that. I just needed to test your authenticity.”

“Yeah sure, no problem,” Cap curled his hand into a fist, trying to resist the urge to punch the man in the jaw.

Stryker seemed oblivious to Steve’s anger. “We want you to give us your opinion on some new weapons.”

Cap cast a cursory glance at the weapon lying benignly a few feet away. “Oh, by all means, I'd be quite prepared for that eventuality.”

“Well, not your opinion as a marksman. That job’s been filled by me.” He addressed the lady in a pseudo-whisper, “Is he a metahuman?”

“A meta what?” Rogers asked.

“I mean, a human with supernatural powers, like superspeed or strength.”

“I guess you could call me that.”

Stryker smiled nefariously. “Good.”

“Thanks?”

“Well, at least he's polite.” Stryker turned to the girl. “Show him the guns, Adrian.”

Adrian produced a collection of Chitauri weapons, including the one on the floor, which Steve studied carefully. Stryker continued, “These weapons are state-of-the-art, and, according to their seller, able to destroy anything or _anyone_. They're "the bomb" and all those other pimply hyperboles.”

“I wouldn't be caught dead using these. A man with my enhanced physique should always fight fair, not rely on the weaponry that was responsible for the destruction of half of New York.”

Stryker scoffed. “What do you consider ‘fair’?”

“You know. Hand to hand combat.” Cap threw some punches in the air.

Stryker spoke _sotto voce_ to Adrian, “I think it's rather touching, really. Here's this kid trying to give me his utterly valueless opinion when I know for a fact within four weeks he'll be suffering from a violent inferiority complex and loss of status if he gets shot by one of these nasty things.” He turned to sneer at Steve. “Of course they're unfair, you wretched nit. That's why they were designed: to completely blow the enemy away.”  
  
Captain Rogers crossed his arms defiantly. “I won’t do it.”

“You can be replaced you know.”

Steve snorted. “I don't care.”

“And that attitude is out, too. The new thing is to care passionately. Anyway, your job isn’t to fire the guns. That’s mine.”

“And what, pray tell, is my job then?”

Stryker flashed a sinister grin. “Oh, we mentioned it earlier, right?”

Cap’s eyes grew wide. “I beg your pardon?”

Stryker aimed a Chitauri weapon at the captain’s head. “I’m the marksman, and you’re the target.”

“You’re insane! Just because I can heal superfast doesn’t mean I can survive a bullet to the brain, you psycho!”

Stryker shrugged and aimed lower. “I’m not too particular _where_ I test the bullets.”

Cap did a scissor kick that sent the gun flying from Stryker’s hand. Grabbing another weapon from the stockpile, he used that one to blast holes into the entire collection.

“Get him out of here!!” Stryker screamed as he ducked under a table for cover.  
  
“Have I done something amiss?” Steve hissed.

“Get him out! He's destroying the alien weapons!!!” Stryker shrieked.

Adrian approached Steve with her hands above her head. “Don’t shoot! Just please leave!” she sobbed.

Steve punched through the weapon in his own possession, rendering it completely useless. He felt a stabbing pain in his fist as bones cracked, but his super-soldier serum soon began the healing process. “Sorry about the damage,” he told her, almost in earnest. He quickly exited the vicinity.  
  
Stryker crawled out from his own hiding place, assessing the wreckage. “The metahuman was able to destroy the alien weaponry with his bare fist?”

Adrian prodded the now-defunct Chitauri gun with her foot. “It appears that way.”

Stryker quivered with terror. “I’m going to buy it all.”

Adrian hesitated. “Sir?”

“...and destroy it all. Can you imagine what would happen if this technology landed in the wrong hands--the hands of metahumans? Let's not take any unnecessary chances!”

From his hiding place around the corner, Steve radioed into Natasha. “Chitauri weaponry is as good as destroyed. Mission accomplished.”

“My god, you’re a natural, Rogers.”

“That’s what they tell me. Over and out.”


	11. Loki Hasn't Got Any Nerves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki steals the show, and Nick Fury lays down the law.

Natasha and Clint met up near one of the staging areas where weapons demonstrations were taking place.

“Mission accomplished?” he asked her with a raised brow.

She nodded firmly. “Of course. And you?”

“We’ve got eyes all over this place now. Metaphorically speaking.” It had been Barton’s job to unobtrusively plant microscopic cameras in key areas of the expo. “Tony should be getting the live feeds any minute now.”

Agent Romanoff pursed her lips together for a moment. “Speaking of Tony, we should probably check up on him soon.”

Clint smirked. “Probably not a bad idea. Sometimes I think he causes problems just to upset the hierarchy at SHIELD.”

She sighed in agreement, then her mouth quirked upwards into her trademark half-smile. “At least he isn’t as bad as Loki.”

Clint rubbed his eyes to stave off the headache that had begun to form at the mere mention of the trickster’s name. “I’m beginning to think this is a battle of nerves between Loki and me. It’s driving me absolutely crazy the way he can so easily resume residence in here.” He tapped his forehead.

“I don’t think he has any, to be perfectly honest,” Nat stated unblinkingly.

Clint’s brow furrowed in confusion. “Has any what?”

“Nerves.”

Clint cracked a smile despite himself. “I know, that's the trouble. Must be a Frost Giant thing or something. You know what he needs? A wife to keep him out of all of our hair.”

Natasha squinted. “The only ball and chain I can see Loki with is a literal one. Besides, anyone who’d marry him would have to be equally annoying, wouldn’t you think?”

He barked a nervous laugh, imagining the additional headaches that a _goddess_ of mischief would cause. “I know, right? They would probably _both_ gang up on me. Sometimes I think he enjoys seeing me suffer.”  
  
Just then, the watch on Natasha’s wrist began to beep. After punching a few buttons, Tony’s face appeared on the screen. “What’s up, Buttercup?” he asked cheerily.

She shook her head at him. “Not much. Our personal missions have been completed. We’re preparing to rendezvous with the rest of you boys soon.”

“And your mission was..?” Tony probed.

“That’s need to know, Stark,” she teased. “And you definitely don’t need to know.”

“Hell, I don’t even know what she’s been doing the past few hours,” Clint chimed in. “Well, apart from that brief period of time when they tried to get you all to evacuate the building.”

“I understand that you, the Smothers Brothers, and Captain Tightass had a run in with my old bestie, Justin Hammer.”

Clint grimaced. “That’s putting it mildly.”

“Well, good thing you had your handy-dandy on-call genius to hack that system for you.”

“Thanks again, Tony,” Nat said reluctantly, unwilling to stroke his already over-inflated ego.

“All in a day’s work, right, Banner?”

There was an unintelligible grunt on Stark’s end of the voice chat.

Tony turned to someone off-screen. “You're getting out of hand, Greenie. I don't know what's come over you today.”

Bruce snorted. “That's right. It's always me, isn't it?”

“Since you ask, yes,” was Stark’s reply.

“Maybe we should get down there before Vesuvius erupts,” suggested Barton.

“Agreed. As soon as we find the Asgardians, we leave. See you soon, Tony.”

“Copy that. Over and out.”

They were about to head toward the exit when Thor ran by, looking frantic. “Have you seen Loki?” he asked breathlessly.

Nat was shaking her head when she noticed Clint scanning the nearby stage. Justin Hammer was hamming it up, dancing around to thunderous applause. “Thank you, thank you!” he called to his adoring fans. And now let me introduce you to my special guest…”

“No, it can’t be,” murmured Thor.

“General Loki Laufeyson, hero of the Battle of New York!”

Loki materialised onstage in a plume of green smoke. Clint’s eyes bugged out unnaturally. Thor looked ready to rain down lightning on his unruly brother. Natasha merely planted her head in her hands.

The audience fell suddenly hushed as they gazed at the newcomer in confusion. Wasn’t this the guy who had been _behind_ the alien attack? And what about that business in Stuttgart?

“I know what you’re all thinking,” Loki began, pouring on the charm. He literally _did_ know what they were thinking, after all. “But it was all a misunderstanding. I was trying to _stop_ the Chitauri by using the Mind and Space Stones, but the Avengers-”

At this point, he was tackled by Natasha, who had somehow made it down to the stage. She had the anti-magic cuffs on him in ten seconds flat.

Barton arrived a few moments too late to join the brawl. “Awwww!” he whined. “Stop being a better spy than me!”

Natasha shrugged. “Hey, it’s not my fault.”

“I’m attempting some damage control here,” complained Loki, kicking the stage in frustration since his hands were tied behind his back. “Is that so terrible?”

“I thought I told you to stay with me,” Thor scolded, hovering above them with Mjolnir, which he had apparently summoned in the interim.

“Well…” His brother was clearly quite impenitent.

“When I tell you to stay put, stay put.” Thor landed on the stage in the superhero pose with a crash.

Loki scrambled to his knees. “Don't cane me, Father, I was led astray.” He nodded toward a flabbergasted Hammer.

Thor rolled his eyes. “Oh shut up, Loki. They're waiting for us in the Starbucks.”

Justin Hammer surveyed the shambles his panel was becoming with irritation. “If you aren’t all out of this building in the next minute, I’m going to test my new grenade launchers on all of you!” he growled _sotto voce_.

“That’s our cue,” mumbled Nat.

Thor grabbed Loki by the scruff of the neck with one hand and, still holding Mjolnir with the other, burst through the ceiling of the expo center and flew away.

“Was that really necessary?!” Clint called as he grabbed Nat’s hand and the two fled in a more conventional way.

Meanwhile, at the Starbucks, events had likewise taken a chaotic turn. Director Nick Fury was unimpressed with how his assembled team had been operating and had dropped unexpectedly into the coffee shop to await their return. “Where are they?” he demanded of Tony Stark. “Hmm, where are they?” he asked Bruce. “Where are they?” he finally repeated to his right-hand woman, Maria Hill.

“They’re coming. They're coming, I promise you,” Agent Hill assured him.

Nick Fury glared fiercely with his one good eye. “Ah yes, well if they're not in this cafe in thirty seconds there's going to be trouble...understand me...trouble!  
  
At this moment the remaining Avengers and Loki entered the store. Loki snorted derisively at the appearance of Fury. “Standing about, eh? Some people have it dead easy.” Maria eyed the trickster god with suspicion as he approached. She wasn’t about to be fooled by him again.

The director was about to blow his top but managed to hold on and muttered to the heavens, “Of course, once you're over thirty, you're pass it. It's a young man's medium. I just can't take the pace.”

Tony smirked. “You’re as young as that, then?

Director Fury rolled his one good eye. “I was.” He stalked over to Natasha and Clint. “Agents Romanoff and Barton, can I have a word?” He led the two Avengers to a quiet corner of the room, Agent Hill trailing behind him like a lost puppy.

Loki pretended to make a sound of disapproval as he watched the four agents in conversation. “Aw, there he goes. Look at him. I bet his wife doesn’t know about her.”

Stark shook his head. “I bet he doesn’t have a wife. Look at that sweater.”

Loki grinned. “I bet she knitted it for him.”

Tony shrugged. “She knitted him.”

Cap scratched his head in confusion. “What does that even mean?”

Tony glowered. “I don’t know. I was just making a joke!”

“Well, maybe less joking would have prevented this mission from turning into an unmitigated disaster.” Nick Fury’s formidable figure stepped over to them.

Bruce blinked innocently at the director. “With all due respect, sir, I haven’t done anything.”

“God bless you, Dr. Banner,” Fury said.

“Oh, look it’s the teacher's pet,” muttered Steve, a shade annoyed that he was being thrown under the bus.  
  
“Crawler,” hissed Thor.

“He's betrayed the class,” Stark whispered to his two co-conspirators.

Unfortunately, Bruce overheard them. “Oh, lay off!!!” he shouted, a tinge of green coming into his complexion.

“Temper! Temper!” Stark reminded him.

Before Banner could response, Loki leaned in to whisper to him, “Isn't it always the way? Picking on us outliers.”

Fury struggled to maintain his cool. “Listen, we need to reassemble at the hotel. Agents Barton and Romanoff have new assignments to give you, which involve you being incognito and _discreet_.” He pointed an accusatory finger at Loki. “And shove the ‘general’ in a closet or something and keep your eye on him, will you? Make sure he doesn’t move an inch THIS TIME.”

Thor lead Loki away, Steve and Natasha following close behind. Stark and Banner continued to dismantle the computer station, and Fury addressed Hill. “Oh, how about make-up?”

Maria shook her head. “Not really, they don't need any. We'll just powder them off for shine.”

“Oh, yes. Barton, they’re gonna need makeup as well as costumes. Powder them off. The shine.”

Barton bristled. “Sure, Stark is gonna _love_ that.”

Director Fury watched Tony nagging Bruce about tangling one of the wires. “And hurry. They're not looking too happy.”


	12. You're All a Bunch of Morons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Avengers "make-up," and Banner babysits Loki.

Thor and Loki were once again in the hotel room, but this time it had been transformed by SHIELD into a temporary makeup room with a line of chairs facing a wall mirror and a long table with supplies. The brothers were sitting in splendid isolation, staring each other out. Thor was taking Fury’s command for his brother to “not move an inch” a little too seriously. He suddenly let out a bark of a laugh and pointed. “You blinked!”

Loki slumped down in a pout. “I never did. You did.”

Stark, Banner, Rogers, Romanoff, and Barton entered, each carrying a ragtag collection of costumes.

Thor smiled at them. “Hello, lads, Agent Romanoff. My brother’s not talking to me. I think he’s sulking.”

Clint tossed some fake mustaches onto the table. “Well, it must be catching. He's given it to Banner.”

Cap frowned. “Stop picking on him.”

Banner swung around and poked Steve’s chiseled chest with his pointer finger. “I don't need. You. To protect me. You know, Captain.”

Stark grabbed a comb and started applying a ridiculously bushy beard over his own goatee with the help of one of the mirrors. “He's got a touch of the Green Meanie fever.”  
  
Captain sank into a chair facing the mirrors. “Come on, men, sit down. We need to be placed in disguises so we can fool Hammer and his gang.”

At this moment several other agents bustled into the room in civilian clothes of their own. Behind them trailed some more spies, Maria Hill among them, with makeup and facial hair.

Maria slapped a hand to her forehead. “This is impossible! We'll never get them all done in time.”

The lip of one of the agents quivered indignantly as he surveyed the Avengers. “Well, you'll just have to do us first...it makes no difference to _them_ whether they're made up or not. They’ve already botched their assignment.” The agent did a double take as he noticed Tony had applied his fake beard upside down. “And by the way, what’s that?”

Tony batted his eyelashes flirtatiously and spoke in falsetto, “My name's Betty….” The agent continued to stare, so he added in his normal voice, “Do you mind taking a few steps back, buddy? You’re in my light.” He shoved the man.

Barton, clearly stinging from Nick Fury’s reprimand earlier, was not impressed with his teammate’s antics. “No, Stark, behave yourself, or I'll murder you. And Nat, take that wig off, it suits you.”

Natasha was sporting a long, blonde wig. She smiled and continued primping. For some reason Banner had a Guardsman's busby wedged down almost over his eyes and was trying to read a copy of _Science and Tech_ magazine.

“Bruce, what’re you up to?” demanded Clint.

“Page five,” Bruce deadpanned.

Tony started combing the fur on the hat. “Did you always fancy yourself a guardsman, before the whole--you know--Hulk thing?”

Thor was enjoying applying a false nose with the assistance of Maria Hill. He looked at the rubbery prosthetic in his hand and decided to quote Shakespeare, “‘Oh, that this too, too sullied flesh would melt.’” He took a handheld hair dryer and pretended to melt the prosthetic. “ZAP!”

Satisfied with her blonde locks, Natasha put a makeup bib on Cap and started to powder him off. “You won't interfere with the basic rugged concept of my personality, will you, madam?” Steve asked with a cheeky grin.

Tony stopped combing the busby to look at what Banner was reading. “Aww, he’s reading _Science and Tech_! That was my favorite magazine as a toddler.”

Thor aimed the hair dryer at his brother and cocked it like a gun. “Shazam!”  
  
Loki rose to his full magnanimous height. “In my considered opinion, you're all a bunch of morons.”

Tony grabbed a powder puff from the table. “You’re just jealous.” He began to dab himself and his upside down beard.  
  
Barton fought his way over to Tony. “Leave him alone, Stark, or I'll tell them all the truth about you.”

Tony pretended to feel threatened. “You wouldn't!”

Barton shook his head mysteriously. “I would, though.” Hearing his phone ring, Clint quickly exited the room so he could answer it in peace.  
  
Steve studied Stark curiously. “What's he know?”

“Nothing!” Tony scoffed. “He's trying to brainwash me and give me doubts about my personality.”

Loki was now standing in the center of the room, commanding attention with his booming baritone voice. “Look, I thought I was supposed to be getting a change of scenery, and so far I've seen a train and a room, a car and a room, and a room and a room. Well, that may be alright for a bunch of powdered imbeciles like you lot, but I'm feeling decidedly strait-jacketed.” He raised his manacled hands for emphasis. “This is no life for a free-wheeling agent of my caliber. I'm a frustrated god, and that class of Asgardian is a dangerous Asgardian.”

A female agent was noticeably drooling over Loki’s tirade. “What a charming man.”

Loki addressed her with a sneer, “You're too pedestrian for a gentleman of my cosmopolitan tastes, so don't press your luck.”

Tony rolled his eyes at Loki’s rebuttal. “Puh-lease. He's sex-obsessed! The alien species are leading this country to galloping ruin.”

Thor was mortified, but Banner simpered. That would teach the god of mischief to open his fat mouth!

Barton returned from his phone call. “Agents of SHIELD, minus Avengers, Fury is nearly ready for you.” The agents began to filter out, one by one. “Avengers, you've got about an hour, but don't leave the hotel.”

“Great. See ya!” Tony grabbed the arm of Agent Hill and escorted her to the door.

Clint eyed the billionaire suspiciously. “Where are you going, Stark?”

Tony hesitated then replied, “She's going to show me her Captain America collector cards.”

Thor, not understanding Tony’s plan, but feeling left out, grabbed the arm of another female agent. “So's mine.” He and the giggling agent quickly disappeared.

“Oh, but I haven’t got any,” Agent Hill protested.  
  
Clint could feel a twitch under his one eye. “Tony, I'm talking to you. This final mission is _important_. Understand? Important.”

“Don’t worry, Agent Barton,” Maria reassured him, “I’ll make sure he stays out of trouble.” They dashed off, Tony talking a mile a minute about the SHIELD computer system, decidedly not about Captain America trading cards.

Loki remained motionless in the center of the room, still recovering from Tony’s well-placed jab. “If it’s not all the same to you,” he began injuriously, “I would like a cup of tea.”

Clint sighed deeply. “Nat?” He turned to exchange a look with his friend and noticed her taking an inordinately long time applying makeup and false hair to Cap’s rugged face.

Natasha didn’t glance up. “Steve and I will be here a while.”

“Clever.” Clint turned to Banner. “Look after him.”

Bruce could feel his blood pressure spike. “Oh, come on, man!”

Clint ran a hand through his already frazzled hair. “Look, I haven’t even begun to put together a disguise for myself! I don’t have time to babysit!”

Bruce could see he had no choice. “Oh, alright. Come here, god of chaos.”

“ _Mischief_ ,” Loki amended as he sidled up to the doctor far too eagerly.

Banner eyed him cautiously. “Whatever.” The two of them walked off, Bruce leading the way and muttering, “I’m a scientist, not a wet-nurse.”

Behind him, Loki cracked a maniacal grin.


	13. I’m Going to Go Hulk-Smash Before It’s Too Late

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Banner goes green, and Loki cries crocodile tears.

In another hotel suite three doors down, SHIELD had erected a makeshift food station with coffee, donuts, and hot water and tea bags. The temporary canteen was about half full of agents, many of which were in various stages of disguise. At a table sat Loki and Bruce, the former with a nearly empty cup of tea and the latter deeply engrossed in a book. As Loki gazed at the innocently occupied Banner, a malicious gleam came into his sea-green eyes. This was it. This was the moment he had been planning since he had first spotted Bruce Banner on the train. Banner gradually grew aware of the stare, shifted uncomfortably, and then tried to continue reading his book.

Loki heaved a melodramatic sigh for the ages. “Will you look at him, sitting there with his nose  
scraping away at that book!”

Banner didn’t even lift his eyes from the page. “Well...what's the matter with that?”

Loki smacked the book out of the scientist’s hands with his own manacled ones. “Have you no natural resources of your own? Have they even robbed you of that?”

Mentally counting to ten, Banner grabbed the book from the floor. “You can learn from books.”

“Can you now?” Loki shook his head. “I used to believe that. I was the resident bookworm of Asgard, and what good did it do me? I discovered you can learn more by getting out there and living.”

“Out where?”

Loki gestured helplessly. “Any old where...but not our Dr. Banner...oh no! When you're not trying to keep your alter-ego in check, you're tormenting your eyes with that rubbish!

“You’re an idiot. Books are good!”

“Hulking out is better!”

“Hulking out?” Bruce reiterated. The Other Guy seemed to give a primal scream in his head. “Why would you say that? You’re the one who was Hulk-smashed by him several months ago!”

“Yes, the most powerful Avenger in the world was able to reduce a demigod to a whimpering child. But now where’s all your power?” Loki sneered. “That’s right, you don’t have any. All you've got is that book!”

“Who cares about the power, man? I’m not even in control when I’m the Hulk.”

“And you’re in control right now?”

“What's that mean?” Bruce challenged.

“Do you think I haven't noticed ... do you think I wasn't aware of the drift? None of the Avengers trust you. SHIELD won’t give you a gun, they tossed you in as bait at that gambling club, Tony won’t let you touch his equipment, Barton sees you as a glorified babysitter. Oh, you poor unfortunate soul, they've driven you into books by their cruel distrust, afraid at any moment you might turn into the Hulk and unleash your rage.”

“Oh...I dunno.” But even as he said it, Bruce could feel the resentment building.

“And they’re never happier than when they're poking fun at your misfortune. Where’s your ‘control,’ Dr. Banner? Seems someone else is running the show, and you’re merely their puppet, meant for entertainment!”

“Yeah...that's right!” Bruce growled.

“And what's it all come to in the end?”

“Yeah...what's in it for me?” The anger was surging through his veins now, inflaming his muscles and leaving him gasping for air.

“A book!”

“Yeah...a friggin' book!” He ripped the book cleanly down the middle and stomped off.  
  
Loki scooted forward excitedly in his chair. “Where are you going?”

Banner turned around, his visage contorted and green. “I'm going to go Hulk-smash before it's too late!” he roared.

Bruce/Hulk stormed off, and Loki laughed delightedly. As he heard screams reverberating down the hallway, he paused, realization at what he had unleashed finally sinking in. Oh, well. It was someone else’s battle now. As long as he was left unscathed, the chaos should be fun to watch.

Bruce staggered along the corridor, his body twisting in rage. He needed to get to the stairs...though Hulk hated stairs. Half-way to the staircase, he bumped into Natasha and Cap, exiting the other hotel room. They were flushed and beaming foolishly at each other.

When Steve spotted Banner, he tried to wipe the giddy schoolboy expression off his face. “Um, Bruce, do you know what happened to me?” He pointed at the layers of makeup and facial hair Natasha had applied.

Bruce stumbled by without stopping. “No. I don't,” he panted.

Natasha grabbed on to his arm. “You ought to stop being so scornful, it's twisting your face,” she said coolly.

Bruce locked eyes with her for a moment then shook his head. It was too late. Hulk wrested his arm out of Agent Romanoff’s grip and tossed her aside like a rag doll. He tripped down the stairs, giving a primal roar.

Thor rushed into another suite where Tony, Agent Hill, and Director Fury were feverishly studying footage of the expo. “I hate to be the bearer of ill tidings, but I’m getting reports from multiple agents that Banner has gone green.”

Fury was living up to his name. “We've got only half an hour til the run-through of the final mission! He can't Hulk out on us.”

Tony scowled. “Can't he? He's done it!”

Cap and Barton dashed in, supporting Natasha between them. Cap huffed, “I don't know if you realise it, but…”

Thor interrupted, “We do.”

Barton turned his gaze to the god of thunder. “Yes. Your brother’s stirred him up.”

Despite the heavy makeup masking his features, Thor turned pale. “He hasn't.”

Steve nodded in confirmation. “He's filled his head with notions, seemingly.”

“That blasted troublemaker!” Thor seethed. “Come on, we'll have to put this right.”

Fury resumed his leadership position. “Agent Romanoff, stay here and seek medical attention. Barton, locate Loki and guard him with your life. If he moves an inch, shoot to kill. Stark and Rogers, suit up and help Thor contain Hulk.”

After “suiting up,” as Fury has instructed, the three Avengers met at the entrance to the hotel. They were an odd bunch, considering Thor and Captain America were still under pounds of makeup and fake facial hair. “We'll split up and search for him. He can't be far,” Cap suggested.

They all made to go in the same direction. They paused and stared at each other. There were three streets they could take, but each time they began to move, they all went the same way.

“It's happened at last,” Stark said, disgusted. “We've become the Borg.”

Thor gave Tony a push to the left, while Cap hurried off to the right. Going straight ahead himself, Thor went his separate way.

Hulk trundled down the street on all fours, grinning like an idiot. Cars honked at him as he loped along, but he merely ignored them. More often than not, they would swerve out of his way. One particularly stubborn motorist in a beat up Chevy pickup refused to budge. He climbed out of his vehicle and glared at the green monstrosity that was causing a severe traffic jam.

Hulk stopped short and gave the man an impatient wave. “Hello,” he grumbled.

“Get out of the road, you freak!” the man screamed back at him.

Hulk frowned. He was starting to get the slightest bit annoyed at this tiny human who dared interrupt his rush hour frolic. “No, YOU get out!” he shouted back.

The man crossed his arms and stood his ground. “No, you!”

Hulk growled, but instead of spending his rage on the idiot who dared to challenge him, he grabbed the man’s 4x4 as though it were made of paper and tossed it into a nearby park, where it narrowly avoided taking out a family of four playing catch.

“Hey!” complained the man. “I just paid that off.”

“Hulk don’t care. Truck in Hulk’s way. You also in Hulk’s way. You move or Hulk smash!”

“Uh, take it easy, Buddy.” The man finally had enough sense to high-tail it for the sidewalk.

“Stupid man not Hulk’s buddy!” Hulk retorted before galumphing into traffic once more.

At a stoplight a few blocks ahead, Hulk observed a young boy waiting at the crosswalk. His mouth dropped as he noticed the mutation staring at him. “Wow, what a day!” he exclaimed. “First I meet Mr. Stark, and now this! Hey, Mr. Hulk!”

Hulk trounced over to him. “Yes, puny boy?”

“Can I get a selfie with you?”

Hulk blinked in confusion. “Selfie? What selfie?”  
  
“You know, a picture.” Peter pulled out his iPhone and mimed taking a photo.

“Hulk like picture,” he agreed, and struck a pose.

Peter lined up the shot with himself in front of the big green guy. “Say ‘Green!’”

“Green!” He bared his razor-sharp teeth, a truly terrifying sight.

Peter surveyed his celebrity snapshot with glee. “Thanks!”

Hulk grunted in satisfaction and continued on his way. Selfies were fun! He’d have to remember that for later...

Back at the hotel, the atmosphere was tense. Loki was standing miserably in front of Director Fury, the criminal confronted by the judge. Hawkeye and Black Widow were flanking him grimly.

Loki put on his most contrite expression. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, honestly.”

Fury addressed Clint, “If he says that again, strike him.”

Natasha tried her best to appease her director, but even she was unconvinced. “They'll be back. They're good at their job when they want to be.”

Fury couldn’t hide his disdain. “Oh yeah? Well, they've got only twenty minutes to the final run-through.” Fury eyed the trickster god suspiciously. “What are you playing at, anyways? What’s in it for you if Banner hulks out?”

Loki made an obsequious bowing gesture, his manacled hands close together in sign of genuflection. “I meant no harm. I was only trying to encourage little Banner to embrace both sides of himself: the light and the dark.” It was hard to tell if Loki was lying. He was so damn charismatic, everything rolled off his tongue like the smoothest Scotch whiskey.

“God knows what you've unleashed on the unsuspecting city,” Barton said. “It'll be death, destruction, and carnage all the way with Hulk once he's got a taste for it.”

Loki examined his fingernails disinterestedly. “Wouldn’t it be a shame if a city that’s just begun to recover from its last attack was suddenly destroyed again...and by just one person this time?”

“ _That’s_ your plan?” Natasha asked incredulously. “You want people to forget about the damage _you_ caused in New York by creating a new Public Enemy? Do you hate Banner that much?”

“On the contrary, I am particularly fond of Dr. Banner.” Loki’s formerly benign mien grew suddenly menacing. “It’s the Creature that I hate.”


	14. Control Yourself Or You'll Spurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hulk is taken captive, and Loki leads a rescue attempt.

Contrary to Clint’s predictions that Banner’s alter-ego would be causing death, carnage, and destruction, the Hulk was enjoying a round of selfies with strangers in Central Park. “More Hulk selfies!” he shouted in what was probably the closest approximation to glee that a mutated monster could muster.

Strangers from all walks of life were forming a queue around the park to get a chance at a one-of-kind picture with the green guy. No one seemed to think it was odd that Hulk was on a solo-mission that didn’t involve any smashing. They seemed to accept the fact that Hulk was enjoying a romp in New York City sans the Avengers.

The next couple approached for their picture. Hulk set his uneven teeth into a grimace. “Say Greeeen!” he boomed.

Instead of his two companions repeating his instructions, he felt a very tiny poke in his side. He looked down to discover the man shoving a gun into his rib cage. The woman spoke with a French accent, “Come with us quietly, and you will not get hurt.”

Hulk stared at the gun incredulously. “What?”

“You heard me, come quietly, Dr. Banner,” the woman tugged at his arm, as if her toothpick of an arm could move his treebranch of one.

“Puny woman,” snarled Hulk as he batted her away like a fly. He wrenched the gun out of the man’s hand and crushed it like a pretzel. “Puny gun.”

The woman was surprisingly resilient. She stood back up and shouted, “Now!”

About twenty of the people in line for selfies pulled tranquilizer guns that were concealed on their person and began firing at the Hulk. The big guy roared indignantly and rose to his full height. Pedestrians screamed and ran around in a panic. The Hulk waved his arms in the air to fend off the darts. Unfortunately, many hit their mark. After another deluge of tranqs, Hulk fell over onto his face.

“ _J'ai le monstre vert!_ ” the first man spoke into his phone. He waved at his companions. “ _Allons-y_.”

*****

Director Fury paced up and down the hotel room, oblivious to the commands Maria Hill was barking out to subordinates. Loki sat on a sofa, strangely still and mute. Clint was also walking up and down, while Natasha leaned against a wall, quite unconcerned.

Hawkeye paused on one of his pivots to give Black Widow a shove. “Worry, will you!” he demanded of his partner.  
  
Natasha adjusted her features to a concerned expression. “Better?”  
  
Fury glanced bitterly at his smartphone. “Well, that's it. Two minutes to the final run-through. They're bound to miss it…”  
  
Barton collapsed into a chair. “I'll murder that Stark.”  
  
Nick Fury deliberated. “But I suppose we can survive a missed run-through as long…”

“... as they show up for the mission,” Romanoff concluded. “Oh yes, it would be a pity to miss the mission, wouldn't it?” she asked, her voice dripping in sarcasm.  
  
The horrible prospect hit the director. “Agent Romanoff, you don't think…”  
  
Clint tried to reassure him. “They'll be here.”  
  
“Oh, now, they can't do that to me!” Nick’s fury was bubbling over. He turned his wrath on Clint. “It's all your fault! Telling me they were ready for a major assignment! If they don't turn up, I wouldn't be in your shoes for all the…”  
  
“For all the tea in China?” Natasha offered. “Oh you're right. Neither would I.”  
  
“You dirty traitor!” Barton spluttered.  
  
Black Widow nodded her head in agreement to this assessment of her character. “Of course. Former Soviet spy here.”

From his position on the couch, Loki’s eyes gleamed malevolently as he bit back a simper. He enjoyed pitting the two spies against each other. Their minds were so easy to control when they were vexed.

At that moment Stark, Rogers, and Thor burst into the room at a full run. Tony didn’t even pause as he said, “Hi, Hawkeye!”

Barton was too preoccupied by the presence of the trickster god in his head. “Hi, Tony!” he muttered without glancing up. As Stark took control of the SHIELD computers, Barton snapped to. “Tony!” he shouted in recognition.  
  
Cap was looking over Tony’s shoulder at the myriad of computer monitors. He was likewise distracted. “Did you want something?”  
  
Natasha beamed with delight. “I could eat up all of you.”  
  
“Sorry, sweetheart, you’ll have to buy me dinner first,” Tony quipped, his eyes searching furtively for something on the screens.  
  
Director Fury was not for niceties. “You all just missed the final run-through!”  
  
“Sorry, but we thought finding Hulk took precedence,” Cap argued.  
  
Agent Hill’s brow was knotted in frustration. “Boss, there's only three of them!”  
  
Thor nodded his head vigorously. “Aye, we were looking for the abominable Green Beast, but we could only find the damage he left in his wake. Mr. Stark realised if he accessed certain feeds on your computer system, he might be able to spot the Hulk’s whereabouts via camera.”  
  
Nick Fury was not impressed by Stark’s reasoning. “Do you realise your mission begins in forty-five minutes and you're one short?!?”  
  
“Control yourself, or you'll spurt! He's bound to be somewhere.” Tony’s eyes continued to scan different camera angles.  
  
Hawkeye aptly spotted the Green Menace first. “There!” He pointed at one screen where it was clear that Hulk had just been subdued by a heavy dose of tranquilizers before being bound and hefted into a crate.  
  
Everyone stared at the image. “Who are these guys?” Fury demanded.

“I recognise them,” Cap admitted, “but I can’t put my finger on where I’ve seen them before.”

“The Casino,” came a clipped Asgardian accent. Seven heads swiveled to look at Loki, lounging luxuriously on the sofa. “Oh, _now_ I’m important,” crowed Loki.

“Spit it out before your only usefulness is in being my punching bag,” Stark threatened.

“That’s not very sporting,” Loki sulked, but he quickly added, “They’re from Boyd’s Club where I was disguised as Dr. Banner.”  
  
A glimmer of recognition dawned in Natasha’s face. “Of course. All this time we thought they wanted Banner to help them test weapons. In reality, they wanted to use him as their weapon.”

Captain America rose to his full patriotic height. “Avengers, back to Boyd’s!” Natasha, Hawkeye, and Tony followed him out of the room.  
  
“Uh, what should we do with my brother?” Thor asked.  
  
“Take him with you,” Nick Fury instructed. “He can’t get into worse trouble than he’s already in.”

Loki beamed, thrilled to have finally been included.  
  
Thor studied his brother doubtfully. “I suppose not.” They ran after the others. 


	15. Hardly A Voluntary Patient

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Banner is on drugs, and Loki is outta there!

Boyd’s Club certainly lost a lot of its excitement when it wasn’t full of croupiers, gamblers, and of course, spies with ridiculous French accents. Natasha had no problem picking the locks and her six companions quickly followed her into the abandoned casino. Hawkeye darted over to a nearby alarm panel and quickly disabled it with a small EMP device.

“Well, this is disappointing,” mumbled Tony as he dragged his hand across the empty blackjack and baccarat tables.

“Are you sure we’re in the right place?” Thor glared accusingly at his brother.

“Of course we are,” Loki scoffed. “Have I ever steered you wrong before?”

Five further pairs of hostile eyes turned toward the god of mischief.

“Never mind, don’t answer that.” Loki’s keen vision scanned the area. “Even if they aren’t currently in this location, they’ll have left some trace of their evil deeds, I’d wager.”

“I hate to admit it, but Loki’s probably right.” Cap nodded at his teammates. “Let’s see what we can find.”

Loki didn’t bother hiding the smirk that flashed across his lips at Steve’s words. Thor was about ready to pummel him for his insolence when Nat called out from across the room. “I think I’ve found something.”  
  
The others gathered around her and peered at a small rectangle of white thermal paper. “A receipt for passage on the Staten Island Ferry,” Barton mused.

Loki’s face lit up. “I have an idea.”

*********************

Half an hour later, the Hulk was spotted rampaging through the Whitehall Ferry Terminal.

“I thought you said you caught him,” said a man’s voice over a static filled headset.

“I do not know what to tell you!” the French woman insisted. “All I know eez that I was waiting for zee ferry and zere he was!”

“Well, do something about it!” her boss screamed. Then the line went dead.

The woman sighed and nodded to her coworkers who had been headed home with her to celebrate their capture of the Hulk. Fortunately for them, they were still carrying the tranq guns from earlier. They unholstered them and headed over to where the great brute was frolicking like a puppy in a park.

Hulk’s mouth twisted into an uncharacteristic look of amusement as the spies approached. “Hulk smash!” he called with delight as he bent to pick one of them up. Suddenly, small, sharp pricks of pain bombarded him from all sides. What a nuisance. Did these mortals truly think they could take down the god of mischief? It was laughable, simply laughable.

Suddenly, the big green guy fell down in a tangled heap. “Oof,” he moaned as he managed to shift back into Banner form before slipping into a sad state of semi-consciousness. He felt rough hand grabbing him and draping his arms around their shoulders. _Those stupid metahumans better be tracking us_ , he thought woozily. Thor was never going to let him live this one down...

******************************

Banner groggily opened an eye a narrow slit. Big mistake. A film of drug-induced sleep caused the bright lights in the room to pulse most painfully in his vision. He closed it again. He took several deep breaths, assessing his situation. He tried to flex his legs and was alarmed to note that they were strapped in place. An IV drip sent an odd burning sensation through the veins of his right arm. No doubt about it: he was in serious trouble.

The sound of movement nearby caused his ears to perk. A quick squint of his bleary eyes revealed an attractive middle-aged woman in a long lab coat. She appeared to be checking his vitals. Bruce could feel the Hulk struggling to takeover his sluggish body, but he seemed to be equally affected by the sedative that was coursing through their shared body. Nevertheless, if he was able to wrest control, things were going to get ugly fast.

“Look, lady,” he slurred as she continued to observe him and make notes on her tablet. “I don’t wanna hurt you, but the Other Guy isn’t nearly so forgiving...I’m probably gonna Hulk-out again in a few minutes you've got to let me go...I'm Bruce Banner…” He knew it was a stupid comment before he finished saying it. Of course they knew who he was! That was why they had captured him.

“I don't care oo you are,” the woman replied in a thick French accent. “I’m an hourly worker with no beneefeets…you can save zaat for the stipendiary. Here you are, Doctor.”  
  
A short, balding man wearing the most hideous pair of glasses Banner had ever seen approached the bed. “What have we been up to today, Doctor Banner?” Thankfully, he had an American accent and Banner could understand him more clearly in his doped up state.  
  
The woman flicked a finger across the screen of her device. “I've got a leettle list here. Wandering abroad. Malicious intent. Acting in a soospicious mannair. Conduct liable to cause a breach of zee peace. You name it, ee's done eet.”

“Well, well, well,” said the doctor with a chuckle. “It’s a good thing we picked you up before the police did.”  
  
Bruce strained at the straps that held him to the gurney. “I demand to see my lawyer.”  
  
“What's his name?” the doctor asked with an infuriating twinkle in his eye.

Banner thought for a moment. Did the Avengers even _have_ a lawyer? If they did, he certainly couldn’t remember in his drug-addled state. “Oh, well if you're going to get technical--”

He was saved from further explanation by a loud series of noises from the other room. Furious shouts were followed by a dull crash of wood. A moment later, the door swung open to reveal two henchmen dragging a third party with them. A party that looked suspiciously like….  
  
“What am I doing over there?” Bruce muttered in a stupor of sedation.

The doctor sighed. “Hello, it's going to be one of those nights, is it?” He turned around and was shocked to see a second Dr. Banner glaring at him from across the room.

“You’ve got the wrong man,” the second Banner insisted. “ _I’m_ Dr. Banner.”

“Not zees again,” the woman said, burying her face in her hands.

“Well, you got me here, so do your worst,” the second Banner continued, “but I'll take one of you with me.” He kicked the henchman on his left, causing him to howl in pain. “Oh, I know your game: get me in the tiled room and out come the rubber hoses, but I'll defy you still!”

“What the hell are you talking about?” the doctor asked. He turned to the flunkies. “Get him out of here.”

“You ugly brute, you,” the prisoner hissed, struggling against his captors. “You have sadism stamped all over your hideous face.”

“Eh?”

“I'll go on a hunger strike,” he threatened as they tried to drag him away. “I know your caper. The kidney punch and the rabbit-clout. The third degree and the size twelve boot ankle-tap.”

The doctor rubbed his forehead in confusion. “What's he on about?”

“I fought in the Battle of New York, I’ll have you know,” he bragged. “You'll need a mahogany truncheon to take me down.”

The two of them clobbered him over the head and tossed him over to where the real Dr. Banner was still lying. He slumped to the floor in defeat.

“Keep an eye on both of them while we sort this out,” the doctor instructed the French woman, who nodded in assent.

The Banner on the bed squinted at the one on the ground. “Loki?”

Loki, still in Banner form, placed a finger to his lips as he scrambled to his feet. “How are you holding up?” he whispered back.

Bruce tugged at his restraints. “Well, I'm not exactly a voluntary patient.”

The woman turned to look at them, and Loki quickly shushed his doppelganger until she resumed playing with her tablet. “Have they roughed you up yet?”

Banner nodded feebly at the IV pumping drugs into his veins.

Loki shook his head. “Oh, they're a desperate crew going after a defenceless man like you.”

“The Other Guy would disapprove of being called defenceless.”

“But regrettably, he’s not here.” Loki glanced conspiratorially around. “One of us has got to escape.”

“I can’t even see straight!”

“Fortunately, their pathetic tranquilisers have already worked their way through my Jotun blood. Leave it to me, I'll get the Avengers,” Loki assured him. “Hold on, Doctor, we'll be back for you. And if they get you on the floor, watch out!”  
  
“I doubt that they’ll want to remove my restraints. I might Hulk out again.”  
  
“That's what they want you to think. They’re villains.”  
  
The female doctor looked up from her tablet, and Loki quickly feigned unconsciousness again. Once she was preoccupied again, Loki whispered, “You see, sly villains.” Loki’s eyes glimmered impishly. “Well, it’s now or never.” He jumped to his feet and scurried towards the door, transforming into his true Asgardian form. “Alright, you paid assassins. Loki Laufeyson will give you a run for your money.” In a flash of green, a half a dozen clones appeared.

The woman doctor dropped her tablet in surprise. She reached for the nearest Loki, but he disappeared with a spark. Loki used his powers to unlock the door with a flick of the wrist. He and his five remaining clones shimmered out of the room. He dashed out of the door followed by several goons with guns.  
  
As bullets flew, Loki and his clones zapped in and out of the way. Unfortunately, some bullets eventually found their targets, and his clones began dematerialising one by one. Loki tossed some fireballs back at them, hoping they would hit their mark, and kept running.

He finally made it out of the villains' hideout. Using his telekinesis, Loki wedged a nearby dumpster in front of the backdoor, then fled the alley. Looking around him, he ascertained which street he was on and then quickly hailed a cab before anyone could escape the building and grab him. Once he was safely inside a yellow taxi, he leaned back and breathed a sigh of relief. The Avengers had better appreciate his espionage skills!


	16. The Law of Averages Is Against It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cap is helpful, and Banner is rescued!

“Well, you’ve got to appreciate his espionage skills.”

The other Avengers, plus Agent Hill and Director Fury turned to glare at Tony.

“What?” Stark retorted with a smirk. “We wanted The Jolly Blue Giant to infiltrate the Frogs and that’s what he’s gone and done. It’s not _his_ fault we weren’t smart enough to put a tracking device on him.”

Fury glanced at the clock in the hotel suite, shaking his head. “Only half an hour and your mission is on!”

Cap raised his hand tentatively. “Can I say something?”

Fury raised an eyebrow, daring to believe that his most reliable agent would be able to shed some light on this hopeless situation. “Yes, _anything_ you’ve got would be helpful about now.”  
  
“Well, sir,” Steve continued respectfully, “seeing how the situation is, it's highly unlikely we'll _be_ on...I mean the law of averages is against it. You might be able to send Barton and Romanoff ahead to stall…”

Fury groaned, planting his head in his hand.

Meanwhile, Loki had found his way back to the hotel. Unfortunately, the hulking male SHIELD agent they had set up at the door was unaware that the god of mischief was currently batting for the home team and was refusing to let him into the suite.

The agent shook his head in disgust at Loki. “You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Go back to your own planet, you alien freak!”

“So _rude_ ,” sputtered Loki. “How _dare_ you speak to a god in this degrading manner, foolish Midgardian! Stand aside! I must see my brother.”

“Go back down to the lobby and see him on TV,” the agent insisted. “I’m sure they’ll be replaying footage of the Battle of New York on at least one of the channels. You can even admire the carnage you caused in high-def while I call for backup.”

“And you cretins wonder why I’m always so cross with you,” Loki tutted as he darted around the corner to come up with a new plan. A second later, Nick Fury approached the guard.

“Director Fury!” the agent exclaimed. “But I thought you were already inside.”  
  
“That was my stand-in,” Fury insisted tetchily. “Can’t you tell the difference?”

It was rumoured that the Director actually had a Kree doppelganger who took his place from time to time, so the agent had no trouble swallowing what should have been an obvious lie. Loki’s substantial powers of persuasive influence didn’t hurt either. “Of course, Director. Right this way.” He stood back and let the faux Fury pass. “Oh, by the way, that Asgardian Mussolini guy is down in the lobby right now. We should probably do something about that.”

“ _Jotun_ Mussolini,” corrected Fury as he entered the suite.  
  
The agent was about to ask him what he meant when the form of his director shimmered into his true shape. “Director Fury, look out!” he screamed, turning his weapon toward the open door. .  
The real Fury ushered Loki into the room. “It's all right, leave him alone. He’s with us now.” Loki flushed at this bewildering new sense of belonging he scarcely dared to feel.

“With SHIELD?” the agent asked in astonishment.

“With me,” Thor boomed as his brother approached him, and Loki gave him an appreciative look. Unfortunately, Thor’s warm words soon froze into icy accusation. “Loki, where's Banner?”  
  
“They had him strapped to a table, unable to transmogrify,” Loki explained. “There was nothing I could do, Brother. I was outnumbered-”

“And high as a kite from the tranqs,” Stark interrupted.

Loki frowned in irritation. “But I know where they’re holding him. If you’ll permit me, Captain.”

Steve blinked in confusion. “What now?”

“This may feel a bit...odd.” Loki closed his eyes, and map of Banner’s location began to materialise inside Steve’s mind.

“Holy sh-”

“Language, Cap,” Tony taunted.

Steve moved his head from side to side quickly, trying to dislodge the sensation. “OK. I know where we’re going.”

“We better hurry up, or he'll be pulp by the time we get there,” Natasha said with a shake of her head.

“What are we waiting for?” Barton asked as he and the rest of Avengers all rushed out the door.  
  
“We've only got twenty minutes!” Fury called after them.

Loki was about to follow when he heard the familiar click of the antimagic handcuffs. When he looked down, he was manacled to Agent Hill. “But I helped you!” he protested.

“Yes, you did,” Maria agreed, “and we’re very grateful-”

“But that doesn’t mean we can trust you,” Fury finished. “After all, you did just hack into Captain Rogers’s brain.”

“I should have just taken you there myself,” he sulked, and Hill put a consoling hand on his shoulder.

**************

The Avengers found the location with no difficulty thanks to Loki’s brain hack. They had formulated a plan for Banner retrieval on the way over, and so they began to implement it immediately. Stark, Cap, and Thor would be the diversion, come in through the front door loudly and attack anyone who got in their way. Natasha and Barton would handle the covert mission of extricating Banner from the bowels of the hideout.

Loki’s map had informed the group of the back entrance, so Black Widow and Hawkeye slipped in that way. As they sneaked inside, the three brawny men burst through the front door, blasters blazing, hammer pulsing with electricity, shield soaring. They had already incapacitated four guards when the next volley stormed up from the basement.

“What is all this?” a tall goon demanded.  
  
Tony opened up his mask to reveal his panting form. He held up a finger, the universal sign for “Hold on a minute.”  
  
Surprisingly, the thugs waited until Stark seemed to have recovered. The first goon spoke again, “Alright now?”  
  
Tony nodded and looked over to his two comrades. “Ready?”

Thor and Cap exchanged looks. Tony was going off-script as usual. Before either could reply, Iron Man flew through the front door. Thor and Steve stared at the villains for a moment before both Avengers fled after Tony.

The four goons shouted to their coworkers, and soon eight guards were chasing Iron Man, Thor, and Captain America down the street, leaving the hideout empty of all gun-toting personnel. Black Widow and Clint quickly dispatched of the scientists in the cellar.

Natasha hurried over to release Bruce from his bonds. “You okay?”

Bruce rubbed his sore wrists. “Oh yeah. Just peachy.”

“The Other Guy?” Nat persisted. “He’s okay, too?”

“He’s not going to be making a reappearance soon, if that’s what you’re asking. I’m still hopped up on drugs.”

Clint rushed in from the adjoining room. “Perimeter is secured. Let’s get the hell out of here.”

Bruce stumbled, and Natasha grabbed him around the waist before he could collapse. Clint came around to the other side to support the woozy scientist, and the three hobbled slowly out of the room.

“Hey, Clint,” grunted Natasha as she hefted Banner’s weight unto her slim shoulders, “I’ve been thinking about it. It’s not that I’m a better spy than you. It’s that you’re worse spy than me.”

Clint’s mouth dropped open, clearly agog. “Are you serious right now?”

“Of course not.” Natasha flashed him a smile. “And that’s why I’m also a better actor than you.”

Barton shook his head, but he couldn’t hide his own smirk.

***********

The chase carried on for several blocks until the sound of sirens cut through the streets. Several cop cars, plus two SHIELD-issued vehicles, surrounded the eight villains and the three Avengers.

Thor grinned and tossed Mjolnir up into the air. “Pity. I was looking forward to a fight.”

One of the SHIELD agents approached the motley trio. “I have instructions to take you directly to headquarters to get ready for the final assignment.”  
  
The agent hustled the three into the car, which drove them back to the hotel where Agent Hill and Director Fury were waiting. All around them last-minute preparations were going on.

“Thank Goodness you’re back.” From her position on the sofa, Hill glanced around her. “Where’s Banner?”

Before Tony, Steve, or Thor could respond, another voice piped up: “Here he is.” Clint was still propping Banner up as he limped into the room.  
  
Director Fury was very near tears, if that was at all possible. “Boys, you don't know what this means to me. If you hadn't come back it would have been curtains or the news in Kree for life.”

Hill’s eyes darted conspicuously around. “Hold it together, Nick,” she hissed. The Director gave his subordinate a final glare and dashed off.

Before any of the Avengers could ponder over Fury’s odd behavior, a doleful voice spoke up. “Hello, Brother.” Still chained to Agent Hill, Loki sat next to her on the sofa.

Thor’s beard seemed to bristle. “Well, I got a few things to say to you, two-faced Loki Odinson.”

“Aw, leave him alone, Thor,” Captain Rogers interrupted. “He helped us, didn’t he?”  
  
“And it's not his fault he's lonely,” Natasha added.  
  
“What's lonely got to do with it?” demanded the god of thunder.

“You needn't bother,” Tony said.

“With what?” asked Thor suspiciously.

“Practising to be thick-headed,” Stark replied. “You're there already.”

Clint came to Thor’s defence. “Look, Loki’s a troublemaker!”

“That's right,” Agent Romanoff agreed. “But he's only asking us to pay attention to him.” She turned to address Loki. “Aren't you?”

Tony crossed his arms, in lecture mode. He likewise addressed the trickster god. “You see, you know what your trouble is? You should have used all of your powers to help defend the Earth from any invaders. As it is, you took a wrong turn, and what happened? You're a lonely alien from Asgard.”

Loki looked stung for a brief moment before simpering superiorly. “But at least I’m charming.”

Thor glowered defiantly. “Are you?”


	17. Epilogue: When I'm Home, Everything Seems to Be Right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki finally joins the team and plots his next adventure with Banner and Thor!

Apparently Loki truly  _was_ charming, for despite having been handcuffed to Agent Hill at the beginning of the night, he ended up in the thick of the epic take-down of Hammer Industries. This may have been thanks to his mind control abilities more than to his charm, but it’s not worth quibbling over. Suffice it to say, he proved himself invaluable to the team. So much so that Director Fury actually extended him an invitation to join the Avengers Initiative. At least the Avengers _thought_ it was Director Fury. It might have been Talos. Oh, well.

Regardless, Loki found himself celebrating with the others on the balcony of the newly refurbished Avengers Tower into the wee hours of the morning.

“I don’t know about you,” said Loki, finishing off another bottle of champagne, “but I’m ready for a holiday.”

“But you just got hired,” Cap protested.

“Your point?”

“I hear Sakaar is nice at this time of year,” Thor ventured, only slurring once.

“No, thanks,” said Tony with a shudder. “I’m going to keep these boots firmly planted on _terra firma_ for the time being.”

“How about it?” Loki nudged Bruce affectionately. He’d had quite a bit to drink at this point.

“What the hell?!” Banner acquiesced, causing the god of mischief to laugh with delight. He was likewise inebriated.

“I’ll see about getting you three vacation time,” Natasha offered.

Clint was happy to see the newest Avenger leave. “Bon Voyage!” he said cheerily.

Little did they know that somewhere on the very planet they planned to visit, a sinister character lurked. Someone who would try to use them for his own dastardly purposes. Moreover, they didn’t realise that an old friend of Asgard was also awaiting their arrival, although she didn’t yet know it herself.

So with this new matter settled, Captain America thought it behooved him to say one last thing. “Avengers!” he began seriously. “Disassemble.”

Everyone groaned. Loki face-palmed. Cap feigned innocence. “What?”


End file.
